Welcome to my Livejournal
me writing
You have stumbled across my journal, and I'd imagine you will read, or have already read parts of it. Keep in mind, this is my place to vent, to think... I am pretty good at expressing myself through speech but when it comes to my written words- nothing can compare. I feel that occasionally time seems to move too fast, and often with the complicated circumstances developing- it gets overwhelming. I like to be able to evaluate my own life so I can make quick decisions based off of experience and intuition, but honestly sometimes my brain can't handle that without some help. I've learned that I can sit down to either one of my journals or to my PC, and I can read through my past, or I can write towards my future. Writing is in some ways, my forte. I can explore and illuminate my life when I need to, and easily paint the pictures of my thoughts. For me, writing ultimately allows reason and understanding to manifest.

CLICK HERE FOR THE ARCHIVE. boltedhourglass.livejournal.com/2011/

...Sometimes it feels like the hourglass bolted to the table is almost done draining the last grains of sand...

...and I tell myself,
Just for a minute
I'll stop playing this game
lets let the destruction begin
I tell myself
Just for a minute,
Let it all sink in
Let it break you,
Let your own sad life revolve itself around you.

I know you would forgive me
If I could bring myself to apologize
But I'm one in a million guilty faces
and I'm refusing to come clean alone
I know I'm running late
I know you time,
you won't wait
displeasure at the reflection in the looking glass
the sands of time are piling up at the bottom of this bolted hourglass.

The hands are turning
this room is spinning
but for Just a minute
It's going to break me as I break time
for just a minute as I ignore hope's sign
I'm going to face my fears
let them in, so eventually reconstruction can begin.
face my fears with suppressed valor,
sink this lesson to my famished core.

Still when this minutes up
I'll say I never gave up
I'm still going on even if things seem like they haven't improved
times still moving even if it seems like I haven't moved
When I'm done reflecting on my mistakes
I'll let my foot off the brakes
and this minute is up

I sometimes like to express myself through poetry,
click boltedhourglass.livejournal.com/tag/poetry
to see the poems sorted out from the rest of my journal entries.

Om Mani Padme Hum
Reading left to right, the syllables are pronounced; Om- (ohm) Ma- (mah)Ni- (nee)Pad- (pahd)Me- (may)Hum- (hum)

The most meaningful mantra of all time. I feel like I have a special connection to it and I will always do my best to follow it even if it's impossible to truly achieve. The Tibetan Buddhist mantra is also on the ring shown in the picture below. (It doesn't show the symbols really, but it is the only picture I have of the ring that I lost)

I also love taking pictures, and I'm confident with my abilities. I enjoy looking through old snapshots of friends and events, and keeping true to this journal's theme because a photo can bring back countless memories. And even though I don't say it out loud or express it in this way, there's another subconscious struggle where I feel the need to capture perfection and show it to the world. Something without flaw, something impeccable- even if the photo itself shows something not often perceived as so.

New Photoblog: click here.

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New life in 50 words or less.
me writing
Lots going on, of course. I think what makes keeping up in a journal so hard these days is the amount of hours I'm dedicating other certain aspects of my life. It's harder to dedicate 3+hours a night to writing (which is how it used to be) when I've been suckered into making time for algebra and anatomy. My brain just doesn't want to do equations, otherwise I feel like it wouldn't take me a whole night to flush out 2 assignments. I could dive into 12 hours of anatomy a day, and enjoy it. Today I took the same 10 question quiz 4 times trying to get a 100 and sadly, shifting numbers around while clueless, trying to get a working answer is not invigorating enough.

I am going to make a habit of throwing in an entry before bed though. Loosing ten minutes of sleep before bed contemplating the day and solidifying memory will be a worthwhile trade.

I finished my first full week of computer training at the airport.
I booked my first flight to LA. Not sure I'm actually going to go but if I can get there and back without it costing me anything, I'd love to see Chris and get comfortable with the idea of traveling often.

I haven't ever mentioned my friend, Z. The reason I bring up Z is because we ran into an odd situation last night where his crush stalked him to see what he was up to. Apparently he wasn't comfortable telling him he was out with me because there's trust issues and he wanted to avoid getting shit about it. Really though, we spent an hour doing math work together before he got upset and he had to drop me off. I've never seen him so riled up before but he also has an odd way of handling his problems.

As far as not mentioning friends, I haven't really spoken about any of my friends here, or even about my relationship with Neil. I think something about how much effort I put into my prior relationships and still hitting the same end result that made me hesitant. I also wasn't sure if my writing was causing me to be an insufferable perfectionist in my relationships. I always analyze things, but even more so when I write, occasionally taking simple situations and sometimes even personalities, and turning them into something more complex. In reality, it helps keep me grounded, and keeps my goals in check. If that means I'm less likely to settle, perhaps that's a good thing.

The other half of it is that I have been busy with school. This summer I worked harder on anything I've ever done before with the accelerated Anatomy course. Prior to that I was full time and trying to adjust to being a student again. Meeting tons of people and trying to open up my social circle. Then when Neil came in- forget it. I just got super comfortable and I noticed I cook every meal, drive everywhere, and when we aren't out... we're in and probably wrapped around one another in a netflix/pokemon/snooze fest. Anyway, I do want to write about that since there have been some changes and thoughts on that.

When I get a chance this week I want to talk about JW as well, just how we've been in touch again. How things have changed there and what misconceptions we both may have had when we were talking several months ago. Unfortunately in an effort to keep myself from seeing his face pop up every time I logged in I deleted the large post I had written about going separate ways. I suppose it really works if you want to forget something, or someone... remove it from your life. A lot of memories did come back from hanging out. Of course everything is a little different now but I kind of like where it's at.

He sent me a copy of a letter that he had written a long time ago. I think it was his was of showing me what was going through his head at the time and it's a little crazy to think about how we were both so far off the mark.

I'll talk more about that soon. We talked about "project PRAK" the last time we got together.. makes me want to get working on that again. I asked him if he had any experience with NFP since he has a lot of connections working with the church and I figured there was a chance he might know how people get those started.

I also started thinking about blog layouts and names for the travel blog I'm thinking about starting. I think that I'll be posting public entries about the places I visit and fashion thoughts in another blog. Photography is going to be a big part of it, and it'll have it's own pages etc. It seems fitting to start something new as my life is taking a few new turns.

Anyway. I'm going to try and shift my work hours to fill in my schedule earlier in the week so I can visit Chris over the weekend. JW wants to visit tomorrow, but it looks like he might be stuck doing homework with me as I've got a bit more of that algebra to tackle tomorrow night. He made me a loaf of Gluten Free pumpkin bread though. Kinda excited for that.

50 words or less... yeah right.

I gotta get some sleep.

Consecutive dreams with a serial killer.
me writing
I'm adding details to the summary the day after experiencing the dreams. 3/2/14
I had this strange series of dreams last night where two serial killers had abducted me. I believe the theme was introduced by uncovering mutilated bodies. Limbs torn from bodies and arranged like a crisscrossing weave of dead flesh. Where was I? Couldn't really tell you. Someplace outside, seemingly on the side of a less traveled road, hidden underneath wooden crates. I don't really know how I got there. I'm not even sure that I was there, if that makes any sense.

The interjection of mutilated bodies brought me to contemplate the idea of serial killers, and so once I returned home later (which as usual took the place of my parents house in Stuyvesant) we were talking about the news, serial killers last sighted in the area. I assume that I was talking to Jacob and Joshua about it- since those are the only two faces I distinctly remember in the dream apart from my parents in a consecutive dream and our captors.

They came to the door and we were forced to let them inside. They had weapons, knives and a handgun. The three of us, (Jacob, Joshua, and I) sat on the floor in the living room while they contemplated their next move. They were frantic and rushed, apparently because they had been sighted and needed to reorganize. A long time seemed to pass while we were sitting on the floor. One of them had placed the gun on the top of an end table and sat on the couch while watching the news. At one point the one standing by the door to the kitchen took a frantic phone call before disappearing while the other captor seemed concerned with Joshua and had his attention elsewhere. So I somehow (unrealistically) got a hold of the gun on the end table and removed the magazine chamber from the pistol. After unloading the ammo and pocketing it, I placed the magazine back into the gun and set it back on the table, while listening to the arguing in the other room. Quickly, I returned to my spot on the floor. I didn't even look the other way.

Following my train of thought: What if the other guard saw me? The other captor responded, knew I was up to something, and confronted me with the now empty pistol. When he got close we got into a physical conflict of sorts and somehow again I ended up with the gun and I pointed it directly at him. There was a lot of yelling from Joshua and the other captor, Josh telling me to shoot. I wouldn't, and couldn't shoot him, my conscious reminded me, because I had removed the bullets from the gun. Josh started fighting with the other captor and I watched him disappear up a dark flight of stairs that doesn't even exist in my parent's real house. He was smiling which still seems so odd to me, but I figured he was okay and directed my attention to the other killer who had begun backing up slowly. There was nothing I could really do without making it obvious that the gun was unloaded, but he was exiting the house and in that moment that was my major objective.
It took me a few moments to breathe and realize that Jacob was missing. I had just let a serial killer out of the house and he could go on killing other people, and there was a good chance he'd come back to hunt me down. If he hurt Jacob that would be on me. I ran out of the house and I remember looking out over the yard and the neighbors yards, behind trees and jogging down the street. Small groups of people were out walking, it reminded me of a market set up by the road. I was asking them if they had seen a disgruntled man in a black hat pass by, and some pointed me in the right direction and then others hadn't noticed him... I kept running. In the end I was just out of breath and terrified. Eventually he was going to come back and hunt me down and now that he was gone it could happen anytime, when I would least expect it.

-I woke up. Someone was running down the stairs and unlocked the door before leaving. I turned to look over the back of the couch to see who it was but couldn't make them out.

-I fell back to sleep.

Even between waking up, each dream picked right back up after the other.

The cops had found the captor that Joshua had disappeared up the stairs with. Jacob and the escaped criminal were still missing. Everyone at home was in an uproar about him missing. They were trying to show that they were happy I made it out of the ordeal alive, but at the same time they were overwhelmed with sadness from Jacob disappearing. Joshua also never made another appearance, but he was presumably fine at home or wherever. I was upset, and not sure what to do. To escape from all the chatter and talk about it, I retreated to my old room and stared at the ceiling. But instead of seeing the glass light cover in the center of the ceiling, all I could see was the serial killer's face. My eyes darted around the room. I wondered in a panic, could he be hiding in the closet waiting for me to sleep? He could be anywhere. It was nerve-wracking, but more than anything I was so disappointed in myself for letting it happen that I was worried and guilty about Jake. I was emotionally upset to where I covered my eyes. And then-

-I woke up.

Someone was entering or leaving the house again. It was still early but the sun was up. I was a little freaked out from my dream, but I tried to shake it. I remember thinking that it was so strange to feel my adrenaline rushing through my body and being scared of a dream. I hardly ever experience danger in dreams with fear anymore. I usually respond and take control of the dreams and it just surprised me. I pulled Josh close to me, and kissed him on the neck. He moved around a bit andmoved closer to me, opened his eyes and checked his phone. I asked him what time it was. I don't remember what he said. It was early though.

-I fell back asleep.

In the third dream I was walking along the shoreline near my apartment in Puerto Rico. It wasn't quite dark out, the sky was pink, and the air was warm. Despite the light in the sky, fireworks were rising up and exploding silently, the way they did over Mayaguez on New Years Eve. They started to get bigger until something unexpected happened to the sky. It tilted sideways, as if the sky beyond the ocean was simply the contents in a glass bottle about to be poured. The brightest white stars were somehow still visible in the still pale pink sky where the fireworks had begun to fall, coming closer and crashing and exploding among the waves. As quickly as they appeared, the lights stopped rising and falling and the sunset revealed itself to be a sunrise. Daylight poured over the beaches and then I turned my attention away from the sky, and instead began to continue my solitary walk along the beach. I stepped on something in the sand and looked down. It was something of Jacobs, a shirt or hat or something. It's hard to say, but I knew it was his. Lying next to it was a long wooden knife with deeply serrated edges that looked like an exceptionally long bread knife or hand saw without a handle. Jake! he must be nearby! I started jogging along in the sand until I saw him, and he was running towards me. I asked him how he got away and he mentioned that his captor had stopped ahead to use a bathroom so he took his chance. I didn't ask questions, just returned back to where I saw the wooden handsaw blade and and ran towards the outhouse Jake mentioned. I took a corner in the bath house and glimpsed the man as he was leaving the sink area. He looked surprised to see me in that second before I rushed in. I didn't waste any time as I took the knife with my two hands and ran with all my weight into him, clashing against the salmon creme pastel colored concrete wall (typical of puerto rico) with the serrated blade against his neck. Blood had started to trickle down his neck and his hands were up in the air, struggling in the half of a second he had to stop me. I pulled my hands back and forth, literally sawing through his neck until my hands reached the wall and murdered the shit out of him. It was freaky.

I woke up, not sure whether I was proud of myself for putting an end to it or if I felt grossed out from having just hypothetically killed someone in my dreams. And so violently.

He did fuck with my brother though.

(no subject)
me writing

"Beyond the roots of every great person lies soil saturated by the greatness of others."

I've been thinking about the overarching theme of collaboration and how individual relationships between people affect growth and success. I was attempting to write a quote for Aleks that portrays something larger than myself that also correlates to our friendship, and how much I appreciate the way he's helped me to keep my personal goals in check. Aleks has an amazing amount of faith in me and believes me to be something special. The fact this never falters means a lot to me. Not only has he believed in me, but he has attributed to my own reevaluation of myself and the importance of keeping my focus. By putting an effort into asking me what my goals and dreams are, he's learned them, supported them and believed in them. Aleks isn't the only person that I feel influences me in a positive way. In fact- there are tons. People I've never met or could dream to meet, but I did meet Aleks, and he's one of the great personalities and allies that I've managed to find in this life, resulting with the thoughts and quote mentioned here.

- I found a letter/card written by Kat last week while digging through my belongings. I was looking for old cell phones so that I could change carrier plans. During this process I was distracted as I came across all the letters and papers I've saved up over the years. In the card, she had written a passage about the way she felt about me and our relationship, followed by tons of quotes referencing what it means to love; what ideas she had believed at the time that determined the values in our own relationship. We used to give cards like that to each other throughout our meandering relationship. It was so powerful, and the way larger than life ideas managed to tie back to us held so much meaning. I liked revisiting the experience so much that I decided to explore all of my friendships, relationships and romances, thinking about the reasons they manage to mean so much to me. I decided I would send out quotes as a spin for valentines day. I knew there would be some time and work involved to find the right quotes, but I feel the reactions and happiness that my friends would feel would ultimately be worth it, and it serves as a perfect way to preserve my thoughts and feelings for these people in another entry. I don't always have enough time or patience to write out everything happening in my life or how I feel about everyone, but on a grand scale this could provide a glimpse into the world of personalities that surround me and what it is that makes my favorite people truly important to me.

me writing
Doubt is the infection
for which there is no cure.
Just a small taste,
a disease
that makes everything seem unsure
It will creep, sinking,
into your bloodstream,
to black out the things
your brain screams
seems to stop.
As it reaches in
it strangles,
poisons all ambitions
it'll crush all your dreams,
and it leaves you
where you started
with nothing.

Anything, but the hope
that maybe,
at some point,
there will be a change.

It gives you the power
to question
It fuels your desire
to understand it
It puts the ball
in your court
The game in your hand
the process a gift
for those that could understand it
To reach for a truth
one must demand it
To make the rules
To be your own man or woman
Walls could be climbed
and lives could be saved
For doubt is a curse that may be lifted
when souls finally make peace
and the demons are evicted.

The end of 2012, The end of Pisces.
me writing
The year started off with a bang. When I brought in the new year last January, I was working at the Horned Dorset Primavera where guests were celebrating in their own way, loudly with lots of alcohol and festive Spanish music. It was completely different from the quiet nights I had grown accustomed to, a bit of a rush even. The restaurant was packed, but the only thing the locals cared about that night was having a good time and drinking. Looking out over the balconies of Restaurant Aaron, the fireworks could be seen slowly ascending over Mayaguez in the distance, and the insane sounds of people cheering and yelling in response to the new year could be heard rising up from the dumbwaiter and lower levels.

I remember the days preceding my arrival I was so full of self-doubt and had so many conflicting feelings about the risks I was going to take. Looking back through my track record though, spontaneous moving and significant life changes are no stranger to me. In the end I felt I was doing it for the right reasons, and I had my brother with me in case I fucked up. I will always remember that and am thankful for the opportunity he gave me.

Working in Puerto Rico was good for me. I didn't want to stay there forever, and I missed home more than I probably should have, but I realized that I could work in front of a large number of people and I could do so under a bit of pressure. Sure, there were a few moments I just wanted to tell them fuck it, it's not worth the bullshit... My one boss and I never could understand each other due to language barriers, and having a brother as head of the kitchen operations meant a shit-ton of extra pressure not to fuck up, or it could look bad on his part. At times where things got tough and heated, he'd get around to yelling as all members of successful kitchens are expected to- and it was an effort to keep calm myself and keep mental notes, but it's all a part of the experience. A couple people I'll never miss, and there were some I met there on the island that I'll always remember, and seriously hope to see again someday. The varying personalities and learning to be comfortable in a completely new environment was a big step for me. Before working there, I didn't trust myself to carry a single tray topped with food and glassware anywhere- much less running across a resort to people who were paying more to stay there than I'd be making in months. But I learned.And it happened fast. I had left for Puerto Rico with about a week to come up with the final decision to go after just learning about the opportunity in the first place, but it was a now or never opportunity. Just days after arriving I visited the restaurant and that day I found myself working and drilling new routines into my head. In any case, that experience lead to another: getting the job at the HD Inn closer to home in May the next year.

On the whole, 2012 was a year for personal growth and new experiences. Once I started working at the Horned Dorset Inn around mother's day, I was able to get into a reliable routine with work. The money I could hold onto was significantly better than Puerto Rico, where paying for two places and making less for it wasn't a great combination... but it was all about opening up a new path. Again, arriving in Leonardsville was another work environment where I met new personalities and built new friendships with my coworkers. Due to the late work days and the convenience of living on the property I was able to stay up late and sleep in the way I naturally like to do... and to make it even better we all sit down to eat family meal together almost every night we're working. Saves you money and from the stress of deciding what groceries to buy for dinner. When it came to organizing personal time, there was usually a 5 day schedule to rely on during the week, sometimes more workdays if there was an event. However, occasionally it was slow, and I was able to grab three day 'weekends' (Monday-Wednesday), and actually travel back and forth between Leonardsville and Hudson in an effort to see friends and check on the home-front. A little costly, but worth it. The restaurant manager, Harvey, is very easy going. He can be strict where he needs to be, 9 times out of 10 he is usually smiling, making small jokes to make you laugh and the positive mood that radiates from him is the best kind of infection you could ask for in a working environment.
I appreciate the level of excellence that's expected of us at the Dorset, and as a perfectionist, it' not like I'm getting more stress than if I was working for a more casual restaurant. I feel like I belong in a place like the Dorset, everything has a working procedure. It's not a chore for me the way it is for other people to act and dress accordingly, and I feel accomplished after a good night. Stress never carries over from one day to the next and usually you know what to expect. The workload is usually pretty evenly distributed, and you have each other to help out. In addition to that, the owners are all artists involved with a project they've created called the Horned Dorset Colony, which I have a great deal of respect for as an artist. It's a selective residency program intended for qualifying artists looking for a quiet space away from distractions in an effort to increase work productivity. Each of the owners has put in a great deal of effort to ensure that their dream is on it's way to becoming a reality, and that's another reason I like being able to say I work for them. This past year I was able to contribute by working as the Photographer, taking pictures of concert events and artists so that they could use them for magazines, networking, event promotions, and website creation.
In the second half of the summer season we hired a couple new faces to make up for the vacancies in working staff, and that's when I met both Johan and Travis, both pretty cool guys. Needless to say, Travis and I have gotten pretty close and as a result it's been relatively life-changing for both of us as. We're now roommates, certainly at different points in our lives, but that's part of what makes it unique. We have a bit in common and fortunately he's not someone that feels intrusive. I can't say that about most people because I love my space, but Travis doesn't take that from me and have each other's company if we need it. I'm not saying I don't miss having the place to myself and having friends stay over for days on end, doing whatever we wanted, walking around naked, etc., but I'm happy and it's giving him a chance to seek out something else in life aside from the military.
So what I'm trying to say about this year is that I always hear about how a lot of people dislike their jobs, or their roommates, or where they're headed...and I can't say that about my life at the moment. I've decided the Horned Dorset is something worth investing my time into because it works for me right now. If a really amazing door opens up to another road, it's not likely I'll ignore it, but I can rest easy knowing I have something working out for me at the time. I was able to save up enough money to keep myself safe during the off season where I just enjoyed my holidays with the family, and more recently I've been very proactive about following my own personal goals and writing. And underneath it all, that's pretty important to me.

I saw something like this shared by a friend, and decided it's perfect for an entry like this.

The awards for significance in 2012 are as follows:

In memories or experiences that capture the spirit of the year best through my eyes

My Playlist of the Yea --- Spotify: Bring Me Your Love

The Girl- City and Colour

It's Time- Imagine Dragons

Eyes On Fire- Blue Foundation

Last First Kiss- Ron Pope

Full Moon- The Black Ghosts

I Would Do Anything For You- Foster The People

Strangeness And Charm- Florence + The Machine

Not Enough- Get Well Soon

I Belong To You [+Mon Coeur S'Ouvre A Ta Voix]- Muse

Everybody Talks- Neon Trees

Something Good Can Work- Two Door Cinema Club

A Song For The Lovers- Richard Ashcroft

Arms- Christina Perri

Can't Stand It- Never Shout Never

Let Love In- The Goo Goo Dolls

-Favorite Poem: Poison

-Journal Entry: A Mayaguez Night

-Photographs I'm proud of:"White Crane in Blue Simplicity" (Crane seen flying over the rock formations and ocean in Puerto Rico)"Another Side of Earth" (Rocks and beach textures are cast in deep shadows by the setting sun in the background, but a lot of detail remains. I can make out the edges of a sand shelf and rock formations and in the distance the setting sun with Desecheo Island along the horizon line)Album: Puerto Rico 2011-2012

-Photographs of People: Justin's shots during the sunset at Steps beach in Puerto Rico. They turned out exactly the way I'd wanted them to and I feel they capture his strongest features.


-Biggest Achievement: Making it through the 4 day wedding working at the Horned Dorset Primavera which also marked the last week there.

-Most awkward moment: Walking into the Kitchen one night during the 4 day wedding, where one guest that had been repeatedly hitting on me was sitting on top of the counters, waiting with a grin on his face and one leg up in the air like he was going to give me a strip tease. They had to escort him out. More than once.

-Best one liner: Travis was giving me a compliment during a conversation with our coworkers and mentioned how he actually looked up to me, Justin quickly spun it around by saying "From on your knees!" In that perfectly ridiculous way he says anything funny. Everyone died. It was flattering, hilarious, and embarrassing all at the same time.

-Favorite memory: Toss up between my only Dinner night at the Horned Dorset with Abdiel, (I was allowed one visit to the restaurant to eat before leaving) and the trip to Vermont and night in Stowe, with Harvey, Johan and Travis. Harvey force fed me Cheese that smelled absolutely disgusting (but oddly enough tasted fine) while Johan held me down, them wrestling- the whole night was hilarious

-Scariest moment: urfing in Rincon. I paddled out to sea (something that scares me already) and got nauseous from the potent smell of wax that the instructor had just applied to my board (Like a new can of paint in your face), on my way out I managed to cut my foot on a piece of coral, and I was out of breath by the time it came to jump up on my board for the first wave. Imagine taking in the view of endless blue water, breathing in the fumes while being "gently" rocked back and forth with a bit of salty seawater to the eyes and mouth while your foot sears with a blissful pain. I was legitimately terrified for the first 10 minutes thinking that I was just going to pass out and drown- but it got a lot easier once I sat on the board and relaxed for a bit. Successfully caught my first wave! After that it was exhilarating. And sexy.

-Things I missed the most: My best friends. Sister. My Room.

-Things I had that I will miss: Running/jogging along the beach while listening to my Ipod & watching the Sunsets in Puerto Rico. As a combination it felt unreal.

-Things I won't miss: The Cockroaches. The cold/boiling showers. The concrete bombshelter.

-Bad Luck: Drove backwards and failed put the car into drive while backing down a steep hill and as a result parked on a gigantic tree, blowing my paycheck.

-Stroke of Luck: In Vegas I lost at all the Casino Games, but I did find over 300 bucks in my search of money to gamble with, in an account I thought I had already depleted due to multiple freezes on my account in Puerto Rico. (They didn't like me using it for shopping in the US and couldn't communicate with me to tell me what was wrong) And to think, I almost threw out the card.

-Best thing about home: Kayla.

-Memorable mental images: The Heart-Shaped rock on the jogging beach in Puerto Rico, The rainbow and sunset through the rain overlooking the balcony at the Dorset, The Ceiling in Utica's train station, The private dining room, The figure in the road, Justin's foot-shaped running shoes.

-Routines: PR: Washing the silver before walking the linens up that impossibly steep hill, climbing the fence, and walking home at night- along that dark winding road with all the animal noises in the jungle. Open the apartment door, and there was Justin and League of Legends

Leonardsville: Tablecloths, leveling, silver, napkins, polishing, glassware.

-Food experience: he Farewell dinner at The Horned Dorset Inn- Lobster Tail, NY Strip Steak & Filet Mignon, Pate, French onion soup, Lobster bisque, Risotto, Duck, Squash, Quail with bourbon sauce, potatoes... if I'm missing anything, someone correct me. Dessert: Pecan Pie, Nadene's amazing Peanut butter Pie, Rainbow cake and Chocolate Bomb. Unbelievable.

-Day of the week: Game night at Matt and Adam's.

-Hardest Decision

-Biggest Regret: Probably not visiting Old San Juan.

-Best Tech Purchase: Android Razr Maxx Phone.

-Feel Good moment: Christmas Night. The Hudson Winterwalk and Dinner after with Scott, kayla, Luke and Travis.

-Favorite City: Santa Fe, New Mexico.

-Song of the year: A toss up between 'It's Time -by Imagine Dragons', & Somebody That I Used To Know- by Gotye & Kimbra.

-Popula Band of the Year: Muse.

-Alternative Band of the Year: The New Electric Sound.

-Staple: Coffee at work.

-Movie: Cloud Atlas.

-Book: Game of Thrones.

-Board Game : Strategy: Zombicide, Party: Cards Against Humanity & The game of things.

-Quote of the Year: "Along with love, compassion is the face of altruism. It is a feeling from deep in the heart that you cannot bear others’ suffering without acting to relieve it. As compassion grows stronger, so does your willingness to commit yourself to the welfare of all beings, even if you have to do it alone. You will be unbiased in your service to all beings, no matter how they respond to you." --Tenzin Gyatso.

I think that sums it up nicely. I can't think of anything else.

Lists towards Las Vegas.
me writing


Justin's thoughts
The final dinner with the Horned Dorset Crew
Hurricane Sandy
Cleaning and closing down the Horned Dorset Inn
Saying goodbyes to Kingsley, Mella, Chef, Harvey, Johan. 
Packing up for Home and Las Vegas
Dropping off Travis in Hudson.
Matthew moving into Shianne's trailer- Table 

The drive towards North Carolina-
Bobs in shorts 
Passing NYC, Waiting in Jersey for gas during a state of emergency, The Capital, Maryland traffic, Nighttime driving
Arriving in Fayetteville, NC, meeting Callie

Army base, Jace, Brittney, Raleigh, Lunch in the Pitts, Shopping, Cheesecake Factory.
Leaving towards Little Rock, Arkansas 
Driving out of NC: BBK Chicken Cesar, Charlotte,
Tennessee: The annoying twisting mountains,
Drawing new tattoo
Knoxville, Nashville, Chili's... Memphis, Arkansas: Little Rock

-That experience in Little Rock-
Leaving Little Rock
Fighting with Prince Charming

Cracker Barrel
Escaping Arkansas, OK: Oklahoma City, TX: Mitchell's diner, NM: Meeting Marilyn and Daniel 
Talks about work, restaurants, family
Spending the Day in Santa Fe. Tapas restaurant, Jewelry, Photos, Staircases, Truffle Salts and oils. ATMs
The turquoise bolo in the market
Talks with the artists, displaying artwork and photography
Finishing Game of Thrones, book 1 on the ride home
Cheese platters and Coffee rubbed steaks and grilled Vegetables
Turtles... and frustration


Leaving NM, Through Arizona, Chili's and Coldstone, Finally Las Vegas, NV.
The Fashion Mall
Daisy first, meeting the parents
Teriyaki Chicken, Tortellini, Salad

Sleeping in, Coffee, Fasting, Going to Vote,  Cloud Atlas, Los Lupes, Obama


Crossfit... in the fucking desert.
Haircuts at the spa
Drawing by the pool
Mesquite Rib-Eye
Talking with Patricia.... (History of the Slattery/Ennis dynasties) 
Comforting old wounds
Experiencing cycles throughout life as an Idealist Counselor 

To go back with a little more detail if I can manage.

LISTS With the crew in Vermont.
me writing

Red door. Hertz Rentals. Toyota Corolla. Boys arguing over music. Goodbye to Justin,
Car ride.
Photos on the road. Constant Curves in the road.
Burlington, Vt.
Cheese and beer at the at the Farm House Tap and Grill. Chicken Liver. Coffee shops. Johan's taste in girls. Large Noses and Chai Tea.
The Quest to find Travis a stylish jacket. He had been talking about it for a week.
Mussels, New England clam chowder, Bacon wrapped scallops, best damn burger of the year. Underage Travis.
Walking Around Burlington at Night.
Bowling with the boys.
The Buddhist Inn, envelope at the counter.
The next morning.
Harvey's favorite: the Magnolia Underground breakfast
Coconut peanut scram and hot pepper cheese.
He who hated my hat choices. Lol
Montpellier VT.
Bookstores (Rivendell Books, The Kraken) and shopping w/Travis.
Making best friends.
Buddhist stuff.
Drive to Harvey's old job sites.
The Trapp Family Lodge.
Why I'm doing the vast majority of driving.
The bar in Stowe.
Playing pool, Sushi, Pizza, and Shooting the bucks under a White Russian influence.
Finding our inn, 5 minutes down the road.
Hot tub, sauna, finding drinks and cash, ping pong...
Perro. Say Perro.
Not Pedro.
Harvey when he's hyper. And happy. And touchy.
Forcing me to try that cheese. How much I could not stop laughing.
He wrestles Johan. Who sort of had it under control. But not entirely.
Visitors who wanted sleep.
Harvey hugs and cuddles haha
And that's where I leave off... With much more to say about it all.

I had such a good time though, and there's a lot I need to catch up on with Travis, since we've gotten pretty close in the past few weeks. He's been spending a lot of time here because of work, but we always end up talking into the night or playing games and stuff so I haven't been keeping up to date on here. I will say that I'm sure it'll have a significant impact my foreseeable future because I feel like I have someone I really want to look out for.

me writing
It's hard to accept
the state you find yourself in
When you feel,
you felt so sure,
the best moments
have only just passed you by
but you suspect deep down
your hope is buried in a lie

Now those moments
they leave you,
and they have left you
wanting so much more
What if, there's only one bite?
You wanted something whole,
the whole apple
But it only takes a bite

Confused by its beauty and charm
as a lurch behind your stomach triggers the alarm
Quickly the poison takes hold
Like the color black as it reaches down
slowly dripping along the end of a used brush
the darkest color quickly taints the surface
Where opaque clouds amass like a cool fire in your blood
And you wait for affirmation to dam the flood

You lie there waiting for another bite,
it never comes 
Your mind is stuck in repeat
running in circles while lost in a maze
where all dead ends feel the same
thinking of ways to fix your condition
thoughts return to the apple and it's beauty
A dream where your eyes will burn, open or closed
you want to believe the dreams you see
because you've been served apples all your life

It's yours to live with, for a time
an infestious disease, a loss of mind
An addiction, a fever you can't sweat out
A silence, a burden you can't quite shout
A feeling, a notion you just haven't figured out
but you're trying and trying as your losing sleep
waiting, dying, to take another bite
Hoping it's the antidote that will make it right
Beauty, is an individualy interpreted concept
Forged in the eyes of the beholder
An allurment of the subconcious design 
Appearing to your senses familiar and benign
It uses a symetry and a balance that captivates you
A mix of the old and the new 
And you, you never learn 
All it takes is a glimpse
Hope, is the abstract machine
It lies tugging on your hand
leading you to a veiled remedy 
telling you what you want to hear.
Poison, it sinks beneath your skin
It's a substance of misguided ills
And you, you never learn. 

There and back again, plans for this week. Work stuff.
me writing
After Hudson, to Poughkeepsie. Visting Aleks in Ravena, Mellie in Poughkeepsie, & Ryan at the CIA.

I'm caught behind some freight-
-Wednesday August 15th.

And now I'm currently aboard Amtrak headed back to Hudson again. Honestly, it has not been a great week.

For starters, I booked the wrong ticket leaving Poughkeepsie. I was comparing prices and waiting for a text message from Harvey to see if there was any way to delay my return another day, but when I purchased my ticket I had booked it from Hudson and not Poughkeepsie. I had to change the reservation a couple hours later after I realized my mistake, and was charged an additional fee bringing my total to $70.00. And the train arriving before 2:30 was still sold out.
That wasn't satisfying enough for me, so I left my wallet on the train headed to Utica. The train had been packed, and I had too much baggage with me. I had brought the outfit changes from my shoot with Aleks, my backpack/laptop electronics, my camera case... and in my hands I had my tickets, phone and wallet. I took the first available seat on the train. I claimed a seat beside a young woman listening to music through her headphones, placing my loose items into the seat pocket in front of me and hauling my luggage into the overstuffed overhead racks.
I then switched seats as a large number of people got off the train in Albany. This way the girl could have her space and I could grab a window seat and go to sleep. She actually ended up pulling out some food and eating the second I had moved.
>>> I moved my luggage over, but never grabbed my wallet from the seat pocket.

Also on my trip home during the last work weekend, my phone fell apart and at this point cannot hold a phone call and refuses to power on for long periods of time. I am reduced to unplugging it and re-plugging it in until it works, so getting a hold of someone at Amtrack meant waiting on the line just to have my phone die.

The train ran a bit behind schedule, I arrived late in Utica, and couldn't pay Justin his gas money. It was a busy night at work and we're still training the new guys. I was thrown right into service, but it had gone well- save for the end and billing my party of 22 at the end. All the couples wanted to split the bills for drinks, and that would have been fine if we had a better method for doing standing cocktail parties. I got frustrated, as I always do doing during billing for concerts and the like. The fact that we still didn't learn from the past few times bugged me, because when I try to come up with new ideas last time nobody took them seriously. This time everyone agreed that we had to try something, even if it seemed at odds with what we usually do (and they didn't seem too excited about it).

Aside from the phone, wallet and work issues, the rest of the week was okay.

There was some annoying drama at work though. Justin was purposely trying to bug me (he gets some annoying twisted pleasure in that) and doing that little show he does whenever there's other people around. I ignored his comments about my using facebook comparable to little girls, as he typically announces a few times a week. Then he told Tanner I was hooking up with a boy named Ryan. That part annoyed the hell out of me, more-so because I don't hook up with boys (I date, and if anything I'm the fucking prude of gay society) and second because it wasn't tanner's business and Justin already knows Tanner has been taken with me. I got fed up with Justin quickly and wanted to play it off like I wasn't- but failed miserably. I explained to Tanner that I liked Ryan. Which is true. Weve been friends for a long time but there's something else there that recently has emerged and it's impossible to ignore. He had heard me say "Love" instead of like but when we talked about it I eventually stopped trying to correct him thinking that perhaps letting him hear that would stop him from flirting, but in the end it didn't. He seemed off-put that night and avoided me, but he picked right back up on it the following day where he explained that he had just felt like an asshole for flirting with me (but it's seriously in his nature to flirt anyway). I don't really care, I know there's never going to be anything between Tanner and I, he's not my type. I never pay any attention to his comments, that way we keep the space between us. I don't want to have another "We'll be better as friends," talk. He's off to India for school in a couple weeks, so I probably won't see him until next year if we both end up at the Dorset for the summer again.

Outside of work, I haven't accomplished much. I've been p -Insert meeting with Preston here- pretty lethargic, both because I'm angry with myself and coming to terms with the fact that I blew away so much money in one short weekend, and because I've been poisoned for lack of a better word. I know what I mean.

I'm at Albany's station stop, and Preston just came up and said hi. He's been sitting two seats behind me this whole time. Ahh, it's good to see him though, but I really didn't recognize him with his short hair and glasses. It's been a while... He's just arriving back home from his summer vacation in Rochester for the summer. Perhaps I can see him this weekend too... :shrugs: I originally wanted my Wednesday off to see Ryan, but that was before I made the trip to see him last weekend. Since I had the day off I figured I'd take the opportunity, so there's really a lot of free time to kill this weekend.

Hopefully I'll see the family. I know that's my top priority- to see Mom and Dad. Dad actually called me over a week ago, and unfortunately we work opposite hours and my phone has been a mess so I haven't called him back. He just wanted to talk. I don't think I've ever had a call where they just wanted to talk before. Unfortunately Sunday is really the only time he'll be around to talk and I work all Sunday. Anyway, I want to see them, catch up. I'll see Kayla Stevens, might have a shoot with Aleks. Maybe I'll see Preston- Kat said something about Thursday morning... I could leave from Albany... do the Tuesday night gaming thing at her apartment... stay over and board the train in Albnay Thursday morning. :)

Sending mom an email now.

Gotta catch up on last weekend yet, how that went. How I feel about it and all that. Next entry.

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