boltedhourglass

You have stumbled across my journal, and I'd imagine you will read, or have already read parts of it. Keep in mind, this is my place to vent, to think... I am pretty good at expressing myself through speech but when it comes to my written words- nothing can compare. I feel that occasionally time seems to move too fast, and often with the complicated circumstances developing- it gets overwhelming. I like to be able to evaluate my own life so I can make quick decisions based off of experience and intuition, but honestly sometimes my brain can't handle that without some help. I've learned that I can sit down to either one of my journals or to my PC, and I can read through my past, or I can write towards my future. Writing is in some ways, my forte. I can explore and illuminate my life when I need to, and easily paint the pictures of my thoughts. For me, writing ultimately allows reason and understanding to manifest.

...So I don't know what I'm doing but it feels like the hourglass bolted to the table is almost done draining the last grains of sand...

it's been quite a while journal.

I guess there's just a few things I gotta catch you up on.

I guess i was testing the water or just didn't care anymore but I kinda just blurted out to R that I've seen Joey and bryan way more than once. he kept calling them my internet friends and picking fun at it, and I asked him why he still called them that after I had met them and hung out with them both more than a couple times. I figured that would shock him a little- and it was kind of like he knew all along but felt the need to be upset about it. He seemed to be taking it okay so I told him that he had actually seen one of them at the store when Kayla mike and I came in to rent movies.. and he still didn't speak much so I let it go. He was definitely running things over in his head and i could tell he was thinking hard... and who knows how that was going. I could think of a dozen different paths his mind could be taking but I guess it didn't matter much to me. The most obvious thing to me is that he had to realize he was missing out on parts of my life. I asked him again if he wanted me to talk about things with him and he told me to keep it the way it was and not mention it... so I just went on doing my work and at the end of the night I told him that it was going to be okay and that we could get through whatever was bothering him... we could if he tried.

Anyway he refused to really talk or let me reassure him of anything so I went home with Kayla..he told me it was okay but he had so much on his mind. "it won't be another one of those things where we don't talk for days," he had said. The rest of the week went by where we didn't talk and he left each day without saying goodbye or anything so the last day I caught him sneaking out when I had a line of customers and as soon as they were gone I ran out to the parking lot furious to talk to him, but he had plenty of time to get out of there. So I let a pretty hasty infuriated message on his answering machine- I din't say anything bad- just something along the line of you really need to fucking talk to me, this is ridiculous... I wanted to scream so much more but my goal was to resolve this and make things better and I wanted to try that before deciding to just let him have it... so I hung up with that and he tried calling me back that night a few times. I took a cab ride home with Jordan who stayed for a bit. I called R back after listening to the voicemail... he had called twice in five minutes and left something like "see there ya go, you don't even call me back" he didn't seem to pick up and I thought I was leaving a voicemail and I told him I was sorry and everything but we needed to talk and ... eventually he said hi. He had been drinking.. but we went at it for at least an hour or so.

He was pissed that I would bring joey into the store when I knew how much he didn't want to meet him. he was angry that I wore the necklace with the keys on it to work that day- apparently that pushed him over the top since I knew that he didn't like either one. I couldn't believe it was about a necklace and even though I could understand him being upset about bringing joey into what he called 'his domain, HIS store' oh he was pissed. I tried to remind him that he hadn't been speaking to me at the time and that it would have been ridiculous to make joey sit in the car while we picked out movies anyway. Had it been different and had R speaking to me, maybe I would have put more effort into not pissing him off- but he was so busy ignoring me that relatively speaking it didn't really matter until I brought it up months later now anyway. R explained how he was also sick of everything being done my way, only spending time together when it was convenient for me... I tried to say that we work together for half of the week and go to the gym together and... that blew up in my face because it was still convenient for me.. I was a little unprepared and nothing I said was having any impact on R's decisions- I couldn't even say that I only have three days off a week and two of them I often spend with him...

When he finally calmed down he kept on explaining to me that he did this to everyone he was ever close to, he always pushes them away. I told him it didn't have to be like that, it really didn't. I agreed that it wasn't possible to always be close and never get distant, but he never should have to push anyone away. He told me I had to move on and go places with my life and that I was a very social person and no matter what he couldn't take that from me no matter what his greedy heart desired. I tried to tell him that I go months without seeing some of my favorite people and that it still didn't affect how much i cared for or loved them.. but nothing I said made any difference and he kept arguing with me telling me I was wrong and that his own self doubt and negative feelings towards other people were proof that he was right and I was wrong so I kept getting angry... eventually I started yelling at him and asking him why the hell he has to make everything so difficult.. and the thing he said it boiled down to is the fact that I will never love him as much as he loves me... and that royally pissed me off. After everything I go through just to make sure that I don't hurt him... and I told him I was sick of walking on pins and needles around him making sure I don't piss him off. If he fucking loves someone you love them for who they are and if everything I do in my life that doesn't revolve around him pisses him off them it's OVER for him. It was the first time that I ever argued with him for more than 5 minutes, the first time I yelled at him. But All bullshit aside- I was trying everything, and he hadn't tried a god damn thing. SO with that I told him I couldn't take it anymore and and that I was going to hang up the phone. I did, and I was fuming, storming around this shack of an apartment for like 15 minutes before I decided to find some music that would put me to sleep. and so I slept. When I woke up my phone showed 8 voicemails, and when I started to listen, it was just R speaking calmly into the phone about how I was wrong for calling him the 4 year old when I was the one that hung up. (which I had) But I have no problem hanging up the the phone when it's obviously so fucking hopeless. I didn't need to spend anymore time talking to the asshole drunk who needs everything to be his way... Mind you, I'm not mad at him now. I'm just indifferent I guess. I can say I tried... I'm not mad at him because I know that he can't help it. It's like psychological breakdown that affects a high percentage of people... I just need to stop helping these people- not to say that R didn't cause me to grow up more than any other situation in my life, and that's really saying something because I've been through all kinds of things.

I didn't expect to go into detail with anything but I'm actually typing pretty fast and double-tasking with facebook so it's whatever I guess.

anyway- R and I haven't talked since that night. maybe two or three words a day. I've been very civil, and so has he... but the severe animosity and bitterness towards each other is definitely there and it's very obvious. For the first week or so it was such a lift off my shoulders because I had finally broken free of however many layers of denial I put myself in just to... survive I guess. But when it comes down to it- not having to care about it anymore. Confronting him the way I did at the end and relentlessly going at it didn't give me any room to imagine or make believe that he could possibly change, care, try, or be a better person. he is what he is and there's really nothing I can do.


Anyway, kayla and mike have split up... they've been fighting a lot and it was expected. I have been spending a lot more time with her which i'm very happy about. I love having her around and I never feel like she's invading any of my space- We mostly play games and watch movies and talk about our relationship problems. She's pretty and shes fun and i'm lucky.... I feel pretty bad for mike because he means well and I like him enough, but there's definitely some issues there and I have to have kayla's back. Honestly though, mike had a thousand chances to fix everything, but he didn't give her the respect or space that she desired and required. touche.
at this point he's really gotta back off a bit.

moving on to money problems...
Money-wise, ive been screwed. I don't know where I messed up and how I've lost all my money but I'm completely broke. I thought since christmas was over I'd be able to get back on track but I haven't been able to..I've had to pay my cabs in quarters and dimes at least three times and if I didn't split the fare with Jordan the other night ( I got lucky and we got out around the same time) that would have been embarrassing because I forgot to bring enough money to get home that night. My account literally has like a dollar in it... and for the first time since being in the apartment here I did my budget the other day... and it's not looking so hot. to live comfortably and with all expenses taken out, the most I can save in a months time is $300 dollars... that's not enough, not nearly enough. The other thing, is I'm lucky R hasn't screwed with my hours.. he's taken in a lot of applications recently so I'm not entirely sure if he plans on replacing already or not but it's better just to be safe so I applied to Labella's sometime when R had started the silent treatment a week and a half ago and I also stopped in at staples to talk to the old crew there lol. Jessica told me she would take me back without a problem anytime, and I also talked to Jeffrey. Although he stepped down from OPs manager, he said he'd still put in the best word in for me to the new Ops manager Bryan. I introduced myself and my plan, and as far as I know bryans going to look me up in the system and see if he can throw me back on (because he was looking for my old file which may or may not still be there because it's been just about 6 months.) I'm thinking they might let me take over a spot in Tech, because they make better money and it's so much easier than my old job there... but it depends on where they need me. I just know that right now two jobs is better than one- and that 300 can easily be made into a 500 with a second job.
A couple things could play out into the outcome of the next couple weeks-
JM screwed up today because he failed to open the store. I really like JM so I hope he doesn't get fired because this is his second offense. But if he does lose his job that means one of our most experienced in the staff would be let go, i'd probably have to work twice as hard because DP is an idiot and R doesn't trust Steve. It could keep me safe though, because awkward or not, I need this job.


Now about the apartment... God damn. It's like falling apart around me and I definitely don't have the means to fix things now. This place hasn't been insulated.. which I've noticed for a while. A couple of weeks ago I broke out the bleach and attacked all the mold growing on the walls behind the counters and in the bathroom, but there's a serious problem hiding behind all the pretty cover-ups the landlord has put up... apparently the guy that lived here before SE nailed this stuff along the bottom of the wall- probably because it was rotting out. So instead of fixing the problem they just covered it up. Same thing with the landlord before I moved in, they just plastered up the bathroom walls and repainted over everything and now I press on the plaster and water floods out of the sealed paint. it's disgusting- almost as disgusting as the 250+ it takes to pay for a dehumidifier.
Because of the insulation issue, all the humidity in the air condensates on the walls. The water then builds up and runs down.. in the bathroom it's actually cracked the paint and then filled up the space between the paint and the wood with water... no amount of bleach is going to help me here, I just have to wipe it down every day.. and perhaps start taking shorter colder showers....

Anyway.. it thought I was getting paid last night because it was the 4th, but apparently this month it's the 6th and 21st. If i get back in at staples I'll definitely be looking forward to the weekly pay.

anyway,I think that's good for now...
Joey and I are also on another break as of yesterday. He has a lot of doubts about being in a relationship and so I've decided instead of telling him how things should be and how he should act... he can make the decisions.. i'm just making sure he thinks about it for a few days. I tried to let him know that i'm still here and that I still love him, he just has to figure out if I'm really what he wants... and I think I have to do the same. There's so much that I adore about him, but if we can't even make it through one weekend here without fighting all my stupid dreams with him in it is just a little too naive... I know the distance definitely causes a lot of problems, even if it's indirectly with our own subconscious expectations of each other on both ends. And joey's battling with feelings that he might not be my top priority or that I don't love him as much as I say I do, so for now I'm just letting him figure things out.. because I'm fine on my end. It's lonely and depressing, but I know it's something I can get through as long as a decision is made and we stop fighting.

Well, just finished up cleaning my room... just gotta put all the clothes away and put out what I can of the Christmas decorations my mom gave me this morning and I'll be good.
Today was just one of those good days... nothing went wrong, everyone was in a good mood... I started off by getting out of bed at a decent time and then R called and left a VM telling me he was on the way to the gym so I hitched a ride back into Hudson with him and JK... we spent at least 2 hours juggling healthy exercise and laughing so it was a great start. I was in such an oddly good mood that I was just being silly and fun in the same ways that JN used to bring out in me when we used to hangout last year.

Also note to self : get back in touch with him. I miss JN and I wish that we didn't both move away in opposite directions... i have a feeling that if he and d never got into their weird patch we'd probably all still be close.. but they lived next door to each other so whatever happened I had no control over and still don't really know if I want to take a side in that whole thing to begin with.

So anyway, we had lunch at Bagel time and then I pulled a nice chunk of money from my bank so that I can pay off the rent on the first. I stopped back at the apartment to shower and then grabbed a cab back to work where SE and JM were basically messing with one another and that was pretty much the mood for the rest of the night. TM stopped by the store right before close and we talked for a while- I wish he'd stop by more often because I doubt the guy has one mean bone in his body and he never acts like he has anything to prove to anyone.. he's just TM and more people should be like him... If I could just pick and choose friends to be close to- I'd probably be closer to TM, but I suck at the making friends with people I admire. I do better when people just drag me out for some reason..

anyway, I don't have much else to update... I just gotta get onto sorting out the pictures now and try to jump in bed by 3.

Well... of course I didn't get everything done as I had wanted to... and you know how I said I was going to go to bed early... as soon as I went to try and sleep I couldn't. SO I stayed up an additional 3 hours playing Kingdom hearts 358/2 days. It's good.. although I dunno why I get addicted to it when it's not nearly as good as lets say MHF.. lol. It's more like the other two games I've played, but I wish the action would be more challenging and interesting... but whatever lol.

I did however, create a staples account online and found out I didn't need to download that freeware program to create PDF files since staples.com copy and print uploads are automatically developed into PDF files- and it supports every file type I can imagine, and I all I needed it to include was .doc or Microsoft word documents.

It's going to take a while to go through all the photos and find out which ones I want made, and I need about 20, and I'm thinking I'll add the poetry watermarks at he end or something since I don't have enough to balance it out with the photos...

I managed to go through all the receipts and bills on the coffee table and sort through all the movies that guy sold me about (40 movies for a whopping ten bucks). I more than doubled my movie library and some of the movies are actually pretty good, including this one called stardust which I watched last night. I recommend it, not only as a good adventure/fantasy movie, but it was truly original and hilarious movie at times. Bryan mentioned it had been published as a book, and it's my guess the book is even better so maybe I'll have to check it out. I also got rid of all the garbage today with R's help, he had called while I was sleeping I guess because he was feeling miserable, and so I called him later to see how he was... It completely made his day and I wanted to see the family so I asked him to grab me on his way back home from work. He had a lot on his mind, mostly about his sister and stuff, but he thanked me for calling him back... I have some thoughts, but i'm not sure I want to write on them. I just worry about him is all...

and well I got here to an empty house and it was really depressing for a bit, but I put on the TV and watched Max payne while eating dinner. I've owned the movie forever but never got around to watching it... it wasn't amazing, but it was entertaining enough. Eventually my parents came home and we watched some Cops before my mother and I got bored of the show. My mom handed me a package that contained the Om Mani Padme Hum ring I ordered through Ebay. I had almost forgotten the ring and was late paying it because the payment never went through. I hadn't made an order through the site since I had changed my Account numbers a couple months ago so I had thought it was good to go. My mom asked me about the ring... and asked me if I ever told R I lost the first one he ever got me. I had told my mom all about it because I wasn't sure what to do because I wasn't sure how badly R would take it (which actually wasn't nearly as bad as I thought) I told Mom that we discussed it a long time ago, and it was fine. Eventually during Cops I started my up my DS and my mom continued to watch it until she couldn't take it anymore and begged my dad to change it. -laughs- the two of them were having a bit of a silent feud about it but I thought it was a little silly to make such a fuss out of it. My father let her have the remote before disappearing to play some pool in the billiards room.

Matt came home latest, probably around midnight. "You're actually here?" ... Yeah matt... I wouldn't have said I'd be here unless I actually planned on it... He tried to show me an imaginary text message he had said he sent me about asking.. but the only one he showed me was the one that said "I'm bringing Nate and Steph." hah, I just let it go cause it wasn't a big deal and we played separate games in the dinning room until he went to bed (which was 5 seconds ago. It's close to four). I actually should probably do the same...

I didn't write a poem today, and didn't finish the project. I have a sinking feeling about this... I dunno why it's so hard for me to do.... This is why I can't be a damn student. hmmm if only I was more organised and did this along the way instead of having to go through hundreds of files... *yawn* I think I'll give Joey a call and hit the bed. couch. whatever... lol.

I'm gonna head to bed in a few minutes, because I'm wicked tired. I dunno how that's possible with the fact that I rolled out of bed at like 1:30 today... Anyway, maybe my sleep schedule will get on the right track.

Tomorrow though, I have to finish somethings. I

I need to create the PDF files for staples.
Write at least 1 or 2 poems.
Finish going through the bills and receipts on the coffee table.
Put away all the movies.
Call my mother about not being able to make it to the party sunday and work at 2 on christmas.
Walk to CVS and get wrapping paper.
and Print out multiple photos for the frames.

possibly prepare for the 2009 wrap up for the new year, and get back to working on ES which i have neglected for about a month.

As far as today goes, a complete waste of life. I missed Kat's call around 3, called her back twice to no answer, so I knew she made new plans. I dunno how I feel about that, mainly because I'm almost certain that she got mad at me for missing the phone call, so she went out with other friends, then ignored both my calls. I don't blame her for not wanting to wait around, but how many times have I spent hours waiting for her and still, if we made plans I waited it out.. Which she didn't do and I think it kind of got the best of me since I'm not exactly in high spirits anyway. And because I told R I wouldn't be able to make it to the gym because I was going to be with kat- I waited too long for her so couldn't make it to the gym either. The other option was to go to little kayla's concert which I just found out about today, but I wasn't in the mood. I don't know what's wrong with me really, I know I'm borderline depressed, but when I think about it I can't really justify it, and I certainly don't want to make it worse so instead I'm just kinda floating by. Hopefully the holidays will just roll over and I can get back to saving money and progressing at least a little.

Currently I'm listening to a mixed Christmas music CD that Kayla let me borrow. I've been throwing it into the DVD player almost every night, and in a way it's helping me get the feeling that the holidays are finally coming. It's taken a very long time to set in, even with all the Xmas movies at work and all the lights on warren. I'm just about done with the frikkin' shopping... finding something for my dad is always tough though. I'm thinking of printing out a nice photo I've taken and blowing it up and putting it in a frame. Anything he really wants, he has already as a result of his own hard work... I can't exactly afford him a nice vacation with mom or anything and I'm sick of getting him candy every year- I want to get him something decent or meaningful. Speaking of vacations... I guess we're not really doing Christmas this year (as far as the parents buying much for the kids) because of my cousins wedding in Vegas coming up. It's true I didn't really want to miss the wedding, but I also don't have the money to make it there- and apparently neither do any of the other "kids". Instead of Christmas this year, we get the wedding. Well- I think we all wish we had a choice in this- but we don't. Sooner or later we all opted out from the wedding when we were told we had to pay for all the tickets to and from- so my mom did the usual and got unreasonably hurt and upset. It was going to be a couple hundred bucks... most of us decided no- exactly how the hell could we just afford that? I can't even manage to save up for a car appropriately, and if I didn't have help with furniture during the move into Hudson it wouldn't have been nearly as pleasant as it was. Andrea's got her hands full with daycare and everything that comes with a child... and well Matt and Jake have their own budget issues.

I guess while i'm on the topic of gift giving, I got this recordable storybook of the 'Night before Christmas' for the family. I'm going to record the opening and first page, but I'm going to have the rest of the family read the other pages. It was pretty odd, because just two days before getting it, I had been in a sentimental mood and reminiscing about how my father always reads us a couple Christmas books just before bed on Christmas eve- One of them being the Night before Christmas. With the passing of R's mom and my Aunt Janis, I was getting a little sentimental as I wondered what would happen to our tradition if something ever happened to Dad. I'd never hear him read it to me again...and for some reason the revelation was hitting me, even if it was too soon to worry about. Miraculously, the topic came up the next day as R and I headed into Pittsfield M.A. to do some Christmas shopping. He was mentioning a friend's acquaintance of his that was expected to pass away due to illness...and R mentioned the that the family had purchased a recordable 'Night Before Christmas' book so that even after he passed, he could read to them. I immediately told him how I had been thinking about that same book- and so we drove first to a Barnes and Nobel store to get a 10$ off coupon out of a magazine, then later to hallmark to get the book. Of course they had been sold out in Pittsfield, so we tried to find it in Hudson before work the next day. I had left the coupon at home (figures) but still bought the book just to make sure I wouldn't miss it. It was just like a sudden answer to my wishes...At first I was just going to have dad read it.. but i wasn't sure if that would be weird for me to worry about now so instead I'll have every member of the family give it a shot and it can be something for us all to share.

Xmas list.

Family- Night Before Christmas Recordable book
Mom- Bath and Body works- Sleep Aromatherapy Lotion and mist (lavender, her favorite)
Dad- Framed photograph
Jacob- Franklin Covey leather organizer with Telephone address book
Matthew- The Epson stylus Photo Rx680: All-in-One Ultra Hi-Definition Machine -or- 60 gig external Hard drive
Andrea- Sequence board game
Kalya- Fern Gully & stuffed animal turtle
Phoenix- Twilight Turtle with 8 recognizable constellations (helps with sleep by placing stars on the ceiling and acting as a nightlight)
Joey-Jules Verns triple novella (he already knows he got it), AE shirt (again, hasn't seen it, but knows), and depending on if he gets it from his parents or not...(------)
Eberharbt family- Ornamental centerpiece.
R- I really hope I can get staples to do it right.. and I'm still working on it, but it's a collection of all my poetry and select photographs from our travels together... and a simple duffel bag to drag his gym clothes back and forth from work and the gym.
Bryan-will read this.

It's three in the morning.. but I haven't really updated anything. Just rambled on. I did however, make a new music playlist just for the season which I will post in this entry.

Anyway some important things to write about-

R and I had work together on Monday. And although it went by extremely slow and it wasn't exactly pleasant with my stomach upside down all day, R gave me back the letter I sent in his ornament box. He didn't say anything other than "You can have this." Attached to it was a note from Sarah M to R in regards to a local photographer. R was trying to get my foot in the door by throwing the idea out there for me to assist in the studio. It was a nice gesture, and the first time R had told me about it a week before I had said "thank you," even though we still weren't talking. I just didn't know what to say, and until R gave me a reason for the way he was acting- I wasn't going to let it go. But it was ripping me in two directions seeing him trying to make amens in his own way- and yet it wasn't good enough. I've explained the tension, the reasons for everything good and bad between the two of us. All he needed to do was try to talk to me about it. There had to be a reason for him just ignoring me. I need to be able to understand a problem in order to solve it, In this case, at least knowing where and with what the problem lies. Pretending obviously doesn't fare too well with me. Believe it or not, even though R couldn't fully understand his own problem, when he called me later that night and finally just let out a hundred different things complicating his life- it was the answer for me. Maybe it was just to confirm what I already figured out, but how am I supposed to fix things or at least improve them for us if I'm in the dark? Finally he was simply talking to me. It wasn't like it justified anything, but he was making an effort to talk to me instead of ignore me.

He apologized, told me that everything I had said was right in the letter. He didn't understand fully why he gets upset with me, but that it was just as I said, small insecurities that built up. And he was trying to let me go, because it was too much and he didn't like dragging me down either. "I hurt the ones I love the most," he said. Personally, I believe we all do for the most part. It's only when you fully grow up and take responsibility for your actions that you have more control over that. R mentioned that as well; saying that with his mom gone it was forcing him to be responsible in all areas of his life- something he has never had to do before. There is a problem with his niece JK and her husband getting a divorce. JK has been going to him to rant on about it when R has to support her as a friend, but in truth, he liked the guy she had married in the first place. Unfortunately he knows that his niece is making poor decisions and judgments because she loves and misses the husband and it's breaking her down- but in her anger she has been acting like a complete bitch. And right in front of him unfolds a very similar situation that he finds himself in. How can R tell her the right thing to do when he makes the wrong decision to get angry with me when pushing me away is the last thing he wants to do? So much just kept spilling out of his mouth, but it wasn't like I even needed it. It was the conformation I needed... that he was still the R I know..just complicated.

That's all I need is an effort and I'm okay. You Just can't leave me in the dark without a reason, or without even telling me something's up to begin with.

Anyway, I went to the gym with him and JK yesterday after work, and I went to go to lunch with him today. Mike had homework to do so R and I went up to Colonie center to finish up the Christmas shopping and R's right back to being the hilarious witty oddball that I know him to be and I couldn't be happier about that. It's such a process but I'm glad we're on the right track. And because I finally got pissed off I got to explain a lot of things I was unhappy about and even if R doesn't change, I'm glad I got it off my chest. We caught up quite a bit, even though it's only been two weeks R always has a lot to talk about. And with all my time spent with kayla and mike I've been able to talk about that because he won't get upset. I think I figured out that R is usually okay with my friends unless they're close friends of mine online. And the reason that upsets him is because he feels like sometimes I'm closer to them, even though they're simply friends over the internet. This of course is entirely untrue, but as long as I don't mention the internet and give R a call every once in a while to check up on him he and I will be okay. I can do that... And I even explained to him why I can't do that sometimes, and that's mainly his own fault lol.

So anyway, Joey came up this past weekend. Things went fine, and honestly up until this weekend things had just kept on improving. We spend a great deal of time laughing together and he doesn't argue all the time like he used to. He doesn't overreact as much... a whole lot is better. But then this weekend We got into a spit about R and all hell broke loose and a very familiar side of Joey presented itself and we both reached a certain limit. We made up after that.. and as usual he apologized. But the whole problem where he doesn't feel adequate for me keeps bubbling up to the surface. And we've gone over it a thousand times... it's not that he's not good enough, he just has to keep working on things. He has potential for so much more, we're just getting closer to reaching that. A lot of it is stress at school and with family, and actually, he's finally learning to cope with the latter much better recently. The whole fight about R pissed me off not because his intentions were in the wrong, but because he stooped incredibly low to push his point. R has been one of my best friends and we've been through a lot, and it doesn't matter if I'm upset with him- you can't tell me to "go enjoy being with the old fucker"- you just can't say that to me. Everything that came out of joey's mouth in the car with mike was too much of an attack on everything I've tried to stand up for. R's actions were wrong, but instead of saying anything about that it was personal attacks on him, one after another from his age, to his looks, to making friends with me, and he gets what he deserves.... <-- that kind of bullshit makes me question if I should even stay with joey. Especially when I kept asking him to stop and he didn't and then tried to justify it by saying that he was just mad at R because I was upset. When he talked, he talked with confidence and frustration that hinted to more truth than the bullshit that joey often feeds me to keep me from being upset with him, "I tried to like R, but now..." a lot of things that proved joey's ignorance of life and me is just as obvious now as it ever has been. Problem is I love him still, and even though he truly pisses me off, a lot of people think the same way he does. Narrow-minded and Judgemental. I would never ever date somebody like that if I didn't already get myself in so deep, and I told joey this last night when a bunch of these issues were brought to the surface. I met joey when I was heartbroken and I loved him from the beginning because he had become my best friend and because he loved me so. In the meantime the strong willed, but still so incredibly weak Pete fixed his life and family problems, matured more and realized a lot of relationship problems can be avoided if you address them in the beginning and avoid the people with problems they would otherwise refuse to fix. I realized down the line, that people may or may not be perfect for each other down or up the line, but they have to click together and be on the same maturity level when they fall in love, or it's simply not going to work out the way love is hoped to be.

The conversation of college dating came up again because we don't know what we're supposed to do when Joey goes to college since college relationships barely work out. I honestly don't know if I trust other gay people one, and two, given the circumstances that the typical college-dorm life sets in for joey I wouldn't trust him either. He's easily persuaded and self-destructive. He could prove me wrong, but- like he said, I'd have to keep him happy so that we'd be fine.. I understand where he's coming from when he says that, but honestly... if he were the one for me he'd tell me there's no way in hell he'd let something get in the way of us. But I'm so used to it by now that I just don't care. The conversation jumped here and there but mostly we talked about the difficulties of having a long distance relationship and the stress that joey goes through with school... and I admitted that a good portion of my stress comes from worrying about and fighting with joey.

So we decided to end it. I just went along with everything... tried to be understanding. The problem is that it was kind of breaking my heart at the same time. I really do love him and considering the fact that I didn't just dump his ass the last 12 times he really should have been...we've been to hell and back together through our own actions. But now it's really not that bad, yet the simple complexity of a long distance relationship was going to break us apart. But there was a lot of relief in it as well... And it would allow for me to move on with my own life and focus just that much more on me. But then there was that huge gaping whole of being alone again and not being able to listen to him ramble in my ear for an hour before I go to bed so that when I go to sleep I can wrap my arms around the simple memory of him. All of our little inside jokes and cute animal references... his silly voices. And who the hell am I going to give advice to if joey's gone?

yeah, crrracckkk. And I realize that I helped bring it about because the more I get joey to use his head, the more it makes sense to end our relationship. This is why using the heart or the head is the great debate that it is, because we find ourselves effected by both and as mere humans, we have one large weakness for those of us that require it. And that weakness is love.

Unluckily or Luckily for me, Joey requires it, and so do I.
So of course, even after I tried to justify ending it for a bit, I gave back into joey's new request to stay together. He wanted for a little while to just take a break and still stay in love... just hold onto it and put it on pause. I was like wtf, but agreed, because we might be able to use a break. But then I also knew that choosing to do so meant that there were no guarantee of a future together. When he gave it more thought and realized there wasn't a goddamn pause button and that he would probably lose me- he changed his mind again.

He's a little stressed, we needed to talk about it. And it's upsetting to have to look at all the problems of our distant love affair, but for now we're staying together. For crying out loud next week is Christmas. And if Joey and I do split down the line- I need to stay away from gays in general.. they're all complicated and I really can't function right in relationships.

Now that it's exactly 5.. I'm headed to fuckin bed.

Today has been pretty relaxing. At first I didn't mind sleeping in because I figured it would make time go by quicker so it won't feel like .. but even so I woke up really late. I watched some videos on Newgrounds that put me into a good mood, and the next episode of Super Mario Brothers Z has been finished! I haven't really had a day completely to myself in weeks so being able to goof off completely and unwind has been nice. I texted a few people, one of them being --- cut off--- never finished...

I'm currently relaxing, maybe to a point where I'm probably wasting time... at least now I'm updating this. Linkin Park is playing. It's odd how music you listened to growing up can simply bring back memories down the line with such ease.
My phone rang; joey was calling. I took time away from here to talk to him on the phone. It took me a while to really get into any sort of conversation because I was mildly frustrated with my internet not working. All day it had been booting me offline. I'm guessing it was due to the weather (first real snowstorm of the season). Even at work last night we couldn't get some credit transactions to work and the store intranet was down. Anyway- talking to Joey made me ridiculously tired and eventually we were just listening to each other breathe. I was close to just falling asleep on the phone, but when we said our goodnights and I tried to sleep I felt wicked uncomfortable and couldn't. I still didn't feel like tampering around with my computer or anything else. It was around 2 in the morning so I decided against a movie... instead I just tried my best to get comfortable- putting on music, moving around the pillows, loosing the sweatpants- until sleep came.

I got a bunch of the pictures I took of Joey and Kay in late November uploaded yesterday- which made him happy. He does look pretty handsome in the pictures and Kat had said something this morning about the pictures capturing facial expression well... and I agree, I think it was pretty easy getting shots to work for Joey and kayla. SE had called and asked me to cover for him during the upload... I had told him I didn't have any plans, and (I guess I really didn't) so I covered. The only thing I might have missed out on was the winter walk on warren, which I passed by in the cab anyway. The decorative Christmas lights in the trees and in the windows cast a rather pretty glow through the heavy snowfall as crowds of people walked around Park Place and up and down Warren. Couples held hands as they walked, wrapped up in their warm winter hats, gloves and scarves. All the life-size doll houses in the park had lit up and music was playing. Even though it was making me late with the roads I blocked off, watching all the excitement was actually really pleasant. There were stands serving hot coffee and I'd imagine fried dough and people in Christmas costumes walking about. All the while I was trying to explain it to my Hispanic driver, mike.

Mike is a pretty cool guy. I think he might be my age or just a bit older. The first few times he picked me up in Stuyvesant we mainly talked about music- then as he picked me up more an more we talked about how he lived in NYC back in the day and he's Honon's nephew (the cab boss guy) He can speak English, but I think he's still working on being more fluent. Although I'm not sure if he also has a stuttering problem because he has a really good understanding of the English language and he usually knows the words he needs to complete his sentences. It's either stuttering or he's thinking about the next word to say. "Why- they- 'ave a- wintr whalk?" Mike can be pretty funny and through the past year I've started to get to know him better. He said that in all of his 10 years of living out here he's never seen [a winter walk] before, and they never had winter walks in NYC- "I guess- they are- tu busy- getting to all the mon-ey." He made a gesture of rubbing money between his fingers. He picked up someone from Peeples and I got the impression that they knew each other pretty well. The conversation covered shopping around for clothes, Wal-mart not being up to par in that department, mikes sweater (which was also from Peeples) and his mother making curry. He was under the impression that he smelled of this curry from simply walking through the kitchen for a moment before getting into the cab- and we were laughing about it.

He dropped me off and I finished the shift with DP. I didn't make it to Staples before it closed, and therefore didn't have enough money for a cab home, but DP actually offered to give me a ride. It's truly amazing how far DP has come in terms of character... (as I'm remembering the days of working with him at staples) He still misunderstands a lot and to compensate for it he is extremely forward and sometimes brash... but at least his attitude has changed and you can tell he's trying to be understanding and decent, and that's enough. I told him this a couple weeks ago when I was working with him, just how much nicer he had become. One of his friends was hanging around the store and he was giving her advice about asking the guy she liked on a date- how she needed to just ask him or she will never know. He told her he was sorry for being an asshole but he just was an asshole and I had to step in and tell him otherwise. Maybe he used to be an jerk, and even still sometimes he can be, but I told him how much he had changed so much from when I first started at Hollywood. I think it's important that someone tells him that...

I had just woke up about a half hour ago before updating all of this it's now almost 1:00 o'clock... how lame...I've been writing this for an hour and a half. R called around 9:30 and I practically chucked the phone away and because it left me with mixed feelings I just went back to sleep. I have to update that a bit too.. the other day he was trying to get something off my coat... and I pushed his hand away. The same I would do to anyone if they tried to touch me. But then he had kept trying and I told him to just let me get whatever it was and pushed away again and his hand was on my thumb for a second because of this. So he asked "why am I holding your hand?" and I replied with, "because you're a wierdo." I didn't mean anything by it... but R is so oversensitive that he got incredibly frustrated and gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the day only answering questions when I asked them twice and they had something to do with work. Dawn came into the store and was talking to the both of us but R kept up with this weird charade that nothing was odd.. but made these stupid side comments to me like when Dawn wanted a NR from the Associate's box, she said "but I love you R!," and he turned in my direction and threw this stupid remark about enough people lying about loving him.
Honestly I don't know what the hell he's thinking but we've talked about it before. Yes I love him... But what the hell... I don't let anyone touch me- except maybe my closest of friends and it's still hard. I've even had to tell R that before... And i'm confused because I feel there's more to this, like an underlying reason for him being so upset. And even though R is always telling me that he loves me as a friend and want's a platonic relationship- nothing physical or anything.. that there's some bullshit to that and if there's more he has to be Gdamn honest to himself and to me- because I'm not putting up with this friend one day gone the next anymore. I'm positive he wanted me to try and fix things throughout the day, or say sorry. Hell no, he's got to grow up. Besides, if I had tried like I have thousands of times before- he would have told me "I don't want to hear it."

I dunno what I've done. I wanted to be there for R and I wanted to be his friend. But I didn't also want to cause him all this grief now and again.. it just gets old. And the stress is so intense. Just working with him waiting for him to blow up at me for something else or get upset... Working with other associates is so much easier and I feel like it shouldn't be this way. I don't know what to do, but I know I have a lot to say to him should he ever bring it up. Because I'm not giving him the impression that it's okay to treat me like this anymore or that he can be there one moment and disappear the next. And I know that it's going to hurt him, but this guy has to wake up.

I woke up this morning at 5:00 kinda tossing around on the couch. Harry potter and the half-blood prince was playing on the Tv at the scene of Dumbledore's death. I wasn't particularly tired and it felt like I had gotten some sleep but once the movie finished I lumped back down on the couch and I didn't fancy the thought of crashing at work later. Needless to say I fell back asleep. Again I woke at 8:30 with a splitting headache. I tried to get up to walk around and eat something but it required such an effort that all I managed to eat was a Boston-creme doughnut out of the fridge. During my sleep I had been grinding my jaws and teeth and I kept telling myself to eat, that it would probably help- but I was sick to my stomach and I just took another nap hoping to sleep the head pressure off.
Yeah that didn't exactly work. So much for trying to get out of bed early and feeling productive. Last night bryan had explained how to convert Apple's music formatting to MP3's in iTunes. It's going to be a long drawn out process on windows, converting one song at a time and then trying to delete the old version as to not get confused when transferring them over. R and I got these Sharper image MP3 players for working out at finish line and I told him if he let me borrow his I would try to get music and photos onto it for him. I barely got any of it done and I still haven't even finished the pictures I took for joey weeks ago. Somewhere around 1:10 I missed joey's phone call back because during my break away from all the transfers I was watching harry potter and I guess I had just passed out.
I've also been meaning to get back on here and update, because I know it has been a while. I don't even have to look it up to know that. So when I get back from work I'll try to update this thing a bit, lots has happened lately with joey, holly, thanksgiving and Bryan R. Now there's this stupid thing with TB going on and even though I tried to avoid all his drama by staying away from him, he's actually managed to drag me in it with all this disappointed in you crap. What the hell did he expect from me? After everything I've heard about him I'm just trying to stay out of his drama- but all that's done is make me look like a douche for avoiding him. Here's a little fucking clue for you- I don't care what you think if you can ill judge someone for trying to protect themselves. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Sorry for not living up to "all the hype." I'm just a normal guy for crying out loud- just give me a break...

 I don't have time to make an elaborate description, but this is how the past few days have gone.

past thursaday- R's mom had gotten hurt, and because of that I called to see how she was doing and how he was. It was going to be very difficult for him and he was upset so I listened when he called. He apologized on wednesday for being so horrible to me lately. things with him mom had gotten him to thinking.. he was crying a lot. He said something about not knowing and how sorry he was. I tried to tell him it was okay. But he said "no it's not... and I agreed it wasn't but now's not the time to talk about it. he needed rest and he had to know things were going to be tough, but he would make it through okay...
we ended up seeing where the wild things are and that night he kept bringing up RB and how i had this life he didn't know about, so I asked him if that was really how he wanted it and how I was upset that he kept pretending all of these things in his head for his own selfish reasons. I told him I didn't want to lie to him abotu my life and that I was not okay with it and that as my friend he had to realize that I had a life and other friends and I wanted to fall in love and find the right person and that he was using all of that against me like i had done something wrong. I told him he couldn't keep pretending and he stopped me to say yes, yes I can. And I had better not find out about anything. And I told he was stronger than that.. "no no i'm not, i'm an old man and set in my ways." I stared at him, pissed off and in disbelief. I told him fine, and slammed the car door shut. He speed off down the street and I didn't hear from him for a couple days.... then I freaked out. I called joey eventually and talked for a little before he fell asleep. I wasn't mad at him but I did need to let everything out so I just sort of fell apart.  I called bryan and talked about everything. I picked option number two that night when he asked which one was better? 1 or 2? 
two because there's more than one.

The Weekend-
Friday I spent most of the day by myself. I started to fall back into depression and I was upset. I tried to make plans with matt, but because i was all the way out in hudson and matt seemed to be preoccupied I cursed myself again and almost just went back to sleep. Eventually I told matt that and he picked up on mu loneliness I think so we ordered pizza and Went to rob's house because he thought I could help with his mom's alcoholism and because i'm supposebly good with people. His mom is dying because of the disease and so matt's been trying to get her to quit, but she needs help from a detox center and she'll probably die if she doesn't get help from experts.... I spent the next two nights at the rents house, playing board games and talking to mom and andrea. Meeting stephanie. smash brothers...
sunday morning I had breakfast with mom and kay and they helped me get the curtains up. They look alright, but I think since we went with sheer maybe maroon would have been better... the brown would have worked as drapes with tan sheers I think but idk i'm just rambling. Johanna called me and told me the knews... I then decided to skip work to go back to stuyvesant to be there with r in case he needed me, johanna seemed to think so. I was really upset with the news because that meant it actually happened.... and it was going to set in motion the course of the next few months and I know I have to step up now and be there.R had been treating me like real garbadge the past few months because of his jealously and this post isn't the time for that. I just couldn't help but get sucked into everything and start thinking about it all, the responsibility, the loneliness..I just seem to have a problem coping with death because it just proves how vulnerable we are and who the hell knows what's going to happen when we die or when we're going to die. Every time I thought of R I got violently upset without even being able to stop myself. I can't even describe it.. part of it is because I'm really hurt with the way he's been acting and really upset with him, yet at the same time I care so much about him I can't bear to think of him alone. And I guess I was upset with the timing and the fact that I had to forget everything because right now nothing's more important than me being there for him. So when I went to see him after I got off the phone with johanna, he called me 5 minutes after my freak-out moment and told me not to see him because he was leaving. apparently JM had been on the phone with him and was the reason i couldn't get through the lines...so instead of me going there, we talked for a few hours. He didn't want me not going to work and he also was keeping himself busy with tons of errands and he didn't wan't all the sympathy he kept getting left and right. That's also part of the reason this is going to be so hard... usually he can be difficult and sometimes impossible. and johanna and me want to help but the only way we can (especially this time) help is to hold ourselves together and be there for him when he does need it.. He was so incredibly calm and completely forgot snapping at me on the past thursday... so when he was in hudson he picked me up and i got some groceries with him before i went to work. I decided I was really impressed with r and how he had been standing up and being responsible and taking care of things and keeping it together. I can't imagine how hard it must be.
I've been reading the book Dragon rider" joey got me at the bookstore on warren and it's been pretty fun.

Monday I worked all day with dave. Long story short he decided to pull all of the special bays at once instead of one at a time- then decided he was leaving early and left early without having anything done... I mean the games had piled up, the sleeves were piled up, there were still some movies, the trash wasn't done, the soda machine wasn't filled... I knew I had to do the paperwork anyway, but he might have been able to count the house...the library and wall still needed to be fixed up... and it was monday so I had to put out the new releases and so anyway I got out at 11:35 and then on top of that a cab couldn't get me for 40 minutes... I started walking home but then realized I didn't want to walk for 40 minutes anyway and I could wait. Jeremy H was at the Taco bell i was waiting at and eventually gave me a ride home after I waited 50 minutes for the cab.

got home, joey called. The last week or so every conversation we had he fell asleep on me when I was talking to him about life.. so I was a little upset with him and told him that. he was sorry and I knew that. But for some stupid reason I couldn't just say it's okay... I told him I wasn't mad but I couldn't talk to him tonight... and ended up hurting his feelings.

today- woke up, called johanna to see if I could get a ride with her to the wake. 
Went to work- left early to pay my respects and to be there for R.
I'm so proud of him and how well he's handling everything and how strong he's being.
Johanna And I left and got MickyDs and during the wake we had a conversation about psychology and personality types so I have to remember to send her a link to some information.
Kayla came over tonight, tried to text joey. Got into a fight because I told him I was annoyed at him yesterday about always falling asleep on him. and he was very upset about that and a whole lot of stuff poured out and needless to say everything almost came crashing down. I was angry because of how he was handling the situation and how dramatic he was making it.. but I can also see where he's coming from. he does put in a lot of effort to make me happy and I suck a lot of the time.
But we kept talking. I was pretty upset that something so small could cause such a problem, and I am also so sick of fighting and he is too... so it's depressing. but I love him so much, and I know how far we could get if such small shit didn't always get so blown out of proportion. Emotions suck. And I can't imagine not having joey after all this time talking to him and how big of a part he has in my life. But I also can't' stand how irrational he can be so it's like flipping a coin and we both keep trying to make it work and we both keep getting miserable. And yet it's not all bad. And I really do love him and things have gotten so much better. I havent been able to keep updating this because shit FUCKING SUCKS NOW. and things need to slow down... and so much is happening with r and with joey and with work and parents and time just keeps moving and I dont want to just spend all my free time awway from all that to just update this and so then my memories have already started to fade when I really just want to remember everything... I don't need to, and most people don't remember all the detail... but I really want to. 

anyway. Right now... I just want things to work between me and joey. We're so different, but we both try so hard to understand one another and all this effort has to go somewhere... and the thing is... when I go to sleep at night and I think about him, he makes me happy. and everything we've been through.. shows how much we care. and all the fun memories keep me going... so I don't know what to do because I need him to know how much I care without having to tell him so every minute of everyday. he needs to know I do love him and when I argue, i don't want it to get into these huge pointless rants. I just want him here and I want things to just be okay.

I feel kinda confused and sluggish at the moment. Kind of like I don't know whats really going on anymore... I'm not sure where I left off last in the journal but- apparently I haven't had a post in over a month. I've tried to update a few times since then because a lot has happened. And, as usual, not exactly good things. So much, that feel like it's been months and I really don't feel like updating two months of my life, especially since they've been so rocky and it's beginning to feel more like a chore. But, as my good friend bryan and I decided last night... holding onto the memories is extremely important to me, and this is a big time in my life I guess- so here it goes.

Gah. I'm looking through old posts and stuff to get my bearings.. October first was a Thursday, And I posted a detailed entry on Friday... the only thing odd about that is that the post just explains a lot of things building up to it, and I don't think it really goes into depth about what was current.

Thursday, October 1st: Did my grocery shopping, spent the day cleaning.
My hours at work were changing because of the increasing drama between the coworkers.
There was an incident with my bank account at bank of america that had to be fixed because I fell into some sort of convincing lottery fraud online. I believe I ended up getting my accounts changed on Tuesday the 6th, because I remember I worked with R that day and my status says "clearing something up before heading to work".

Friday, October 2nd. Matt and Jordan were planning on Coming over for dinner and Poker night and I wrote the post that currently shows up on my livejournal. It was my mother's birthday, and just like the year before I made the mistake of thinking it was on the 3rd. So instead of Matt and Jordan coming to the apartment, I went to Stuyvesant. By the time Matt got to the apartment and back Jacob was already getting ready to leave. We got to talk for a little while before he did, and my mother got very upset and I remember the sentimental feeling of standing in the porch doorway watching him drive away with my mother and kayla, who had been acting up with phonix all night. I gave my mom a hug and I guess I was trying to make her feel better and not think about it and I helped her put Kayla to bed, throwing Toy Story in. Which was a little ironic sense I had played the movie a couple days before at Hollywood. Anyway, I gave my mom her birthday gifts and she loved them (the Elizabeth Arden fragrance, the handbag and the decorative plate that matched the kitchen signs)

The 4th through the 7th I worked. On the sixth I cleared up things with the bank. On Wednesday the 7th I sent rb a text to see if he would still hang out. He wanted me to set aside the next thursday to hangout, but I declined because I had no idea whether or not R would want to do something. it's really sad but If I had plans on a day he sporadically wanted to do something on, I knew he would get upset with me and start another silent treatment bullshit fight. The same day I confronted SE at work about Stirring up all the drama. It wasn't his fault, but he's intelligent and was trying to change things that have been consistent for quite a while-  I told him it was our job, and that we were all trying to make a living. I understand where he was coming from, but the way he went about it made the job so much more hostile and much more of a competition. The amnesty program was helping us to be competitive at the moment, but as soon as it stopped we'd all be completely fucked and to have everything changing on a week to week basis based on associate "performance" was really starting to fucking suck. We both knew that there was nothing we could do to actually be consistent, and that all we could do was try- We had no real control over what kind of customer was coming into the store and really had no real control on our numbers. SE felt like the bad guy, he wasn't- he was just changing things that nobody else wanted to change. Everyone had started coming up with bizarre ways to make the quotas and cheat. It drove everyone mad and finally SE had called for a meeting so everyone could get things off their chest. An all out war to get it all out on the table. So at nine o'clock in the morning on Sunday Oct 11th, everyone showed up, everyone except SE. Well, since then there hasn't been nearly as much drama. We got paid for 3 hours of work and I only stayed for 15 minutes while we all just sat around and SE had left a note explaining that he had already talked to norm about not being able to make it in for the meeting. So nobody could say anything, but he also couldn't run his mouth anymore. I guess there was a nice, silent compromise. 

On Thursday, Oct 8th I had Danielle over. Thursdays throughout the month seemed to become our hangout day. We took pictures and had Chinese food in the Park on Warren. We had a lot of catching up to do as usual. Jeremy called at one point and I had a chance to talk to him for a little and everything seems to be going alright on his end. 

 Dear Lucas, You can never quite make up your mind
One day you're standing there by my side
the next day you're caught in a lie
Two more days of your ill temper 
and three days of guilty silence
just one more day to tell me how everything is wrong
yet patiently, I wait for you to tell me
How much you still love me

You Joke and apologize to see me smile
lie to hear me laugh
tell me again how much you appreciate it all
do what you can to keep me around
Tell me it's my standards
and I'll tell you it's my morals

Give me just five minutes and I'll start to use my head
I'll get around to thinking
What am I waiting for?
are you ever going to change?
Oh, Dear Lucas, How did we get in so deep?
You played my hands like the cheating dealer
it's all in my head, i'm nothing but a sore loser
all the while you're cheating in more ways than one
my hand on the door, I admit you've won and I'm done.
your hands tightly wrapping around my feet and holding me down
Please don't go, please, I need you.
What can I do, How will I live my life without you?

Sob stories until one in the morning is how it all started
and so pensive is how we feel
stuck on a bridge with a fire on both ends
and you ask how I'm to live a life without you
after everything you've done for me
Dear Lucas, how did we get in so deep?
Why can't I get away?
What do I do to make all the pain go away?
I say just use your head and angrily you say i'm going to bed
I stall, listening to the words How dare you
To question what i say is to question us
And dear Lucas... What is the answer to the question...
The question being us?

Just give me five minutes away from all the debate
silently locked in another room
I'll get myself to thinking, I could try to leave
settle down somewhere by myself 
until I miss being there for someone
but it seems all the people that paint good dreams
are nothing but watercolors in the rain
we all get lonely sometimes. 
and My number will hang out on the line
and my phone will ring and I'll remember all the late night conversations
and you can continue with the stories and I'll continue to pretend like i'm actually helping..
but Lucas, dear Lucas...soon this bridge will burn
and I'm still here, standing in the middle
Dear Lucas, As the fights continue to get bigger and bigger, 
the hurt and scars get deeper and deeper 
the torment just continues to linger
Dear Lucas, the next time I'll turn and close my eyes
so next time you can finally pull the trigger

 I always kind of get like this when I haven't had time to reflect in a long time- and I'm not a huge fan. Everything becomes blurred and I don't get to really dig into everything from every side the way I'm supposed to and I think I slowly fall apart. I have some time today (wow I slept in way too much, but maybe I needed it) so after I grab something decent for breakfast, it's time for a lengthy update.

=]
just with that I feel a little better...

btw, I like the post's title and now I want to write some kind of poem using that as a subject.
anyway
:runs to get food:

 I should update... I'm kind of tierd of drama. And I'm really tierd. So I might just go to sleep.

Honestly though... what the hell is wrong with me and how does drama follow me the way it does. And I'd Ignore it, except when I ignore it it tends to build up, so calmly dealing with it still seems like the best decision- even if I'd rather just chew people out and call them out on all this bullshit. Mind your own business people, especially if you can't divide your sight into two equal parts. What the hell good are you?

I'd write about much more, but this thing apparently has more eyes on it than I need. So to my private posts on another day when I'm not so tierd.

 Slowly breaking me down
even when you're not around
before I sleep, and after I wake
there you are 
floating, conducting dynamic circles in and out of my head
after I sleep and before I wake
the immaculate beauty and the depth behind your eyes
hidden chronicles of memory and latent history 
shrouded in mystery

time means nothing
even if I had just met you yesterday
you would have had all the right words to say
Vindicate the feeling that you have known me for several years
with eyes closed you fit perfectly into place
Tell me something that makes sense
Because I'm starting to believe you're too good to be true
because my life's quickly becoming encompassed by all that is you

It seems like you're always there
waiting for me to swim out into trouble
wave after wave you're anchored into place 
hanging there with your hands and arms extended
Say you're always here, even when you're miles and miles away
After everything You do for me
After opening my eyes,
I need you
there's just one thing I want and need to say...
You're my angel, please I want you to stay.

but I never can ascend all the way up there
convinced myself you couldn't possibly care
Convinced myself you're meant to be my angel
my angel of despair.

Every time you smile you place a bruise on my heart
Every time you laugh you kick a a niche in my soul
Hold me close before you turn to leave
tears fall when I see your back, 
Malevolent wings with altruistic intentions
hug me, choke me, if only you could finish me
Lift me up and graze my lips
Spinning dynamic circles in and out of my head
Lend me your faith and keep me from dead.
Why did you save me, If you can't love me?
Why
did you save me, do you love me 
Angel why do you love me?

RS let me know the checks were in so we ran to HV then the bank to make my deposit, then to his. I drove so I got some more driving experience. We were hungry and he wanted to check out pi after I had kept talking about it all the time. Unfortunately the food isn't as great as it used to be when maria made my lunch and she wasn't even there. (sad day)  I did get to see eddy, zach and lou. Oh, how Zach's grown up to be quite the exciting little adventurer.   With his collection of 22 katanas, throwing blades, staves and secret ninja hand movements. He kept ralph and I entertained as he jumped in the bushes to show us his skills of evasion and quick wit. I kinda wanted to talk to ralph for a little while without the entertainment but it is what it is, and it was also good to see Lou. Amie was in the shower (Go figure) so I didn't see her, but I know I'll see her sooner or later anyway.

We then stopped by my house to grab my camera before heading out to Olana again (sometimes before work we head out for a peaceful breakfast, and olana was one of our destinations) This time I got to take some fantastic shots, and I'm really happy about that.



I don't have much more to say at the moment, I just thought it would be a good idea to catch up a little. I'm reading up pn photography again, and I decided I probably won't be trying to sell anything at the chatham fairgrounds or doing shoots with people there, because matt has again proved to be such a stubborn asshole. He's already telling me what to do and he has no idea what the word teamwork means. It's a competition, I know that. But we still have to get along and he has got to learn how to control his temper. Today I mentioned prime lenses, and he tried to tell me they didnt exsist and that I was a moron for being so into photography and not knowing anything about it.
When I explained what prime lenses are, he just got angry and slowly (very slowly) he changed his words along as he went, claiming that they exsist, but nobody even uses them. Then to saying if people use them, they only use them for portraits. Again, not true, but he was changing his words slowly so that he could convince himself that he wasn't wrong to begin with, as he continued to listen to me and read about them online. That's bullshit.

I tried to call the fairgrounds because he kept begging me to, saying that I needed to do something to prove i wanted to do this. I wanted him to call because he had the information about the space and he knew what to ask, but he was convinced I should call- and I could see why he wanted me to prove it- but he should have me do something else since he knew what to ask and what not. I wrote some things down and found the website, called but got an answering machine, and then called the number on the prious machine's greeting. Again, no answer and it seemed to just be some guys house so I didn't leave a message. I had questions, so I wanted to talk to someone. I'm debating calling back now with a number for them to reach me at, but matt's being such a prick I don't think it's even a good idea to pursue this, not with him anyway. Problem is, I know I need him. I don't have a car, and I couldn't do it alone. And I know he needs me, he told me he can't do it alone either. I have my own skills, and my own idea of what I want to do there. (I wanted my focus to be shooting people that actually came to us, making prints, and selling those- not just selling privious photographs) Plus, matt doesn't have a printer. I don't know. He's just so difficult and if he was just a little less moody and more understanding I'd be fine. I know I don't know everything there is to photography or even how to start a mini business thing, but I know we need to have something to stat with, and I could use some help getting there. Who knows, I think I'm going to call right now, and give my number. That way I at lease will have the option later.

hahaha I can't miss this oportunity. The ONLY reason I'm answering this is because I'm a little turned off at livejournal (just for the moment). I can admit that the twilight series is fun, and I enjoyed the movie, that's great. But I don't think that the twilight fanfare needs to move in at livejournal on top of everything else that it has flooded over. Not in writer's block box anyway... at first I was surprised, because usually I find that there are a lot of great questions in the writer's block box. To be honsest I wasn't going to post anything to complain...because that was accomplished by a ton of other users. But then I thought... How many more times will I get the chance to complain about a topic as lousy as this? And so here I am...  =]

Come on, 
I can't even answer this question because I'm not into baseball enough, but hell- I wish I could meet a group of sexy vegetarian vampires and befriend them anyway.

 The Crush

“He will make your heart race, and no matter how hard you try to distract yourself, you can’t get him off your mind. He probably doesn’t have to try to make you laugh or smile, it just happens. In fact, you desire him so much that you would be happy with simply holding his hand.”

The Foundation.

“He makes you think, he makes you question. It’s not that you feel scared, because you know you’re secure. It’s just that beside him, you see life in another light, and everything you continue to learn about this new world and about yourself, begs you to dig deeper.”

True Love

“After laying the foundation, be intuitive and honest so you can pursue the partnership everybody wants and you can share the most sought after human emotion. In order to achieve this, you must first love yourself, and be content with the person you’ve grown to be. If you can reach this point, allow for time and trust to foster. Soon you won’t find yourself looking over the edge, and you won’t have to worry about making the jump into true love because by now- you are already swimming in it.”

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is boltedhourglass@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat!

 
Well, I'm not really suffering from writer's block because I always have something to write about, but when I saw this topic opportunity I had to Jump in.

If anyone's reading this entry and they still happen to be parading through teenage bliss and adolescence, then hopefully you can prevent some of the mistakes I have made.

No matter how fucked up life seems, or how mad you are at the world, don't let it get you down. If you're lonely, go out there and get to know someone else. Seriously, most people that are worth getting to know are not going to simply turn you down and act like an asshole. If you  consistantly try to do the right thing, and be accepting, you will find friends everywhere you go- even if it's hard at first. There's always someone out there to get to know, no matter how much you have in common, no matter how much you lack things in common. It makes for an interesting life and endless memories and satisfation. 

Don't take crap from anyone when you know you don't deserve it. If you plan on voicing an opinion against someone giving you a hard time, just make sure you have a good point to back everything up and have good reason- it will usually solve the problem if you go about it with a level head.

When you screw up with your family, with is enivitable with every child-parent relationship, try to remember that this will be one of the most important relationships you will hold throughout your life, no matter how unfair things seem. They are your parents, and even though they will give you more shit than what is necessary, keep them close and never completely shove them out, or it will haunt you or your conscious at somepoint down the line. No matter how much you can justify it, family has the true potential to last forever.

In relationships, be true to yourself and your partner. They can't read minds, and neither can you. The most important thing is communication and honestly. You can work out every other facet using a little bit of effort and compromising where it is nesessary, and being upfront where it counts.

I managed to mess up a lot down the line, at different points in time. The above are simply lessons I learned the hard way. I'll finish this up quickly by saying that I don't really regret much in my life, even some of the things I'm not proud of. I just happen to be a big fan of the learning process, and the path to becoming a person to be proud of, finally being content with who I am, and simply knowing who I want to be. I know I have much more to go, but remembering the past and embracing the future is the best way to go, day by day, choice by choice. lesson by lesson.