boltedhourglass

You have stumbled across my journal, and I'd imagine you will read, or have already read parts of it. Keep in mind, this is my place to vent, to think... I am pretty good at expressing myself through speech but when it comes to my written words- nothing can compare. I feel that occasionally time seems to move too fast, and often with the complicated circumstances developing- it gets overwhelming. I like to be able to evaluate my own life so I can make quick decisions based off of experience and intuition, but honestly sometimes my brain can't handle that without some help. I've learned that I can sit down to either one of my journals or to my PC, and I can read through my past, or I can write towards my future. Writing is in some ways, my forte. I can explore and illuminate my life when I need to, and easily paint the pictures of my thoughts. For me, writing ultimately allows reason and understanding to manifest.

 I don't have time to make an elaborate description, but this is how the past few days have gone.

past thursaday- R's mom had gotten hurt, and because of that I called to see how she was doing and how he was. It was going to be very difficult for him and he was upset so I listened when he called. He apologized on wednesday for being so horrible to me lately. things with him mom had gotten him to thinking.. he was crying a lot. He said something about not knowing and how sorry he was. I tried to tell him it was okay. But he said "no it's not... and I agreed it wasn't but now's not the time to talk about it. he needed rest and he had to know things were going to be tough, but he would make it through okay...
we ended up seeing where the wild things are and that night he kept bringing up RB and how i had this life he didn't know about, so I asked him if that was really how he wanted it and how I was upset that he kept pretending all of these things in his head for his own selfish reasons. I told him I didn't want to lie to him abotu my life and that I was not okay with it and that as my friend he had to realize that I had a life and other friends and I wanted to fall in love and find the right person and that he was using all of that against me like i had done something wrong. I told him he couldn't keep pretending and he stopped me to say yes, yes I can. And I had better not find out about anything. And I told he was stronger than that.. "no no i'm not, i'm an old man and set in my ways." I stared at him, pissed off and in disbelief. I told him fine, and slammed the car door shut. He speed off down the street and I didn't hear from him for a couple days.... then I freaked out. I called joey eventually and talked for a little before he fell asleep. I wasn't mad at him but I did need to let everything out so I just sort of fell apart.  I called bryan and talked about everything. I picked option number two that night when he asked which one was better? 1 or 2? 
two because there's more than one.

The Weekend-
Friday I spent most of the day by myself. I started to fall back into depression and I was upset. I tried to make plans with matt, but because i was all the way out in hudson and matt seemed to be preoccupied I cursed myself again and almost just went back to sleep. Eventually I told matt that and he picked up on mu loneliness I think so we ordered pizza and Went to rob's house because he thought I could help with his mom's alcoholism and because i'm supposebly good with people. His mom is dying because of the disease and so matt's been trying to get her to quit, but she needs help from a detox center and she'll probably die if she doesn't get help from experts.... I spent the next two nights at the rents house, playing board games and talking to mom and andrea. Meeting stephanie. smash brothers...
sunday morning I had breakfast with mom and kay and they helped me get the curtains up. They look alright, but I think since we went with sheer maybe maroon would have been better... the brown would have worked as drapes with tan sheers I think but idk i'm just rambling. Johanna called me and told me the knews... I then decided to skip work to go back to stuyvesant to be there with r in case he needed me, johanna seemed to think so. I was really upset with the news because that meant it actually happened.... and it was going to set in motion the course of the next few months and I know I have to step up now and be there.R had been treating me like real garbadge the past few months because of his jealously and this post isn't the time for that. I just couldn't help but get sucked into everything and start thinking about it all, the responsibility, the loneliness..I just seem to have a problem coping with death because it just proves how vulnerable we are and who the hell knows what's going to happen when we die or when we're going to die. Every time I thought of R I got violently upset without even being able to stop myself. I can't even describe it.. part of it is because I'm really hurt with the way he's been acting and really upset with him, yet at the same time I care so much about him I can't bear to think of him alone. And I guess I was upset with the timing and the fact that I had to forget everything because right now nothing's more important than me being there for him. So when I went to see him after I got off the phone with johanna, he called me 5 minutes after my freak-out moment and told me not to see him because he was leaving. apparently JM had been on the phone with him and was the reason i couldn't get through the lines...so instead of me going there, we talked for a few hours. He didn't want me not going to work and he also was keeping himself busy with tons of errands and he didn't wan't all the sympathy he kept getting left and right. That's also part of the reason this is going to be so hard... usually he can be difficult and sometimes impossible. and johanna and me want to help but the only way we can (especially this time) help is to hold ourselves together and be there for him when he does need it.. He was so incredibly calm and completely forgot snapping at me on the past thursday... so when he was in hudson he picked me up and i got some groceries with him before i went to work. I decided I was really impressed with r and how he had been standing up and being responsible and taking care of things and keeping it together. I can't imagine how hard it must be.
I've been reading the book Dragon rider" joey got me at the bookstore on warren and it's been pretty fun.

Monday I worked all day with dave. Long story short he decided to pull all of the special bays at once instead of one at a time- then decided he was leaving early and left early without having anything done... I mean the games had piled up, the sleeves were piled up, there were still some movies, the trash wasn't done, the soda machine wasn't filled... I knew I had to do the paperwork anyway, but he might have been able to count the house...the library and wall still needed to be fixed up... and it was monday so I had to put out the new releases and so anyway I got out at 11:35 and then on top of that a cab couldn't get me for 40 minutes... I started walking home but then realized I didn't want to walk for 40 minutes anyway and I could wait. Jeremy H was at the Taco bell i was waiting at and eventually gave me a ride home after I waited 50 minutes for the cab.

got home, joey called. The last week or so every conversation we had he fell asleep on me when I was talking to him about life.. so I was a little upset with him and told him that. he was sorry and I knew that. But for some stupid reason I couldn't just say it's okay... I told him I wasn't mad but I couldn't talk to him tonight... and ended up hurting his feelings.

today- woke up, called johanna to see if I could get a ride with her to the wake. 
Went to work- left early to pay my respects and to be there for R.
I'm so proud of him and how well he's handling everything and how strong he's being.
Johanna And I left and got MickyDs and during the wake we had a conversation about psychology and personality types so I have to remember to send her a link to some information.
Kayla came over tonight, tried to text joey. Got into a fight because I told him I was annoyed at him yesterday about always falling asleep on him. and he was very upset about that and a whole lot of stuff poured out and needless to say everything almost came crashing down. I was angry because of how he was handling the situation and how dramatic he was making it.. but I can also see where he's coming from. he does put in a lot of effort to make me happy and I suck a lot of the time.
But we kept talking. I was pretty upset that something so small could cause such a problem, and I am also so sick of fighting and he is too... so it's depressing. but I love him so much, and I know how far we could get if such small shit didn't always get so blown out of proportion. Emotions suck. And I can't imagine not having joey after all this time talking to him and how big of a part he has in my life. But I also can't' stand how irrational he can be so it's like flipping a coin and we both keep trying to make it work and we both keep getting miserable. And yet it's not all bad. And I really do love him and things have gotten so much better. I havent been able to keep updating this because shit FUCKING SUCKS NOW. and things need to slow down... and so much is happening with r and with joey and with work and parents and time just keeps moving and I dont want to just spend all my free time awway from all that to just update this and so then my memories have already started to fade when I really just want to remember everything... I don't need to, and most people don't remember all the detail... but I really want to. 

anyway. Right now... I just want things to work between me and joey. We're so different, but we both try so hard to understand one another and all this effort has to go somewhere... and the thing is... when I go to sleep at night and I think about him, he makes me happy. and everything we've been through.. shows how much we care. and all the fun memories keep me going... so I don't know what to do because I need him to know how much I care without having to tell him so every minute of everyday. he needs to know I do love him and when I argue, i don't want it to get into these huge pointless rants. I just want him here and I want things to just be okay.

I feel kinda confused and sluggish at the moment. Kind of like I don't know whats really going on anymore... I'm not sure where I left off last in the journal but- apparently I haven't had a post in over a month. I've tried to update a few times since then because a lot has happened. And, as usual, not exactly good things. So much, that feel like it's been months and I really don't feel like updating two months of my life, especially since they've been so rocky and it's beginning to feel more like a chore. But, as my good friend bryan and I decided last night... holding onto the memories is extremely important to me, and this is a big time in my life I guess- so here it goes.

Gah. I'm looking through old posts and stuff to get my bearings.. October first was a Thursday, And I posted a detailed entry on Friday... the only thing odd about that is that the post just explains a lot of things building up to it, and I don't think it really goes into depth about what was current.

Thursday, October 1st: Did my grocery shopping, spent the day cleaning.
My hours at work were changing because of the increasing drama between the coworkers.
There was an incident with my bank account at bank of america that had to be fixed because I fell into some sort of convincing lottery fraud online. I believe I ended up getting my accounts changed on Tuesday the 6th, because I remember I worked with R that day and my status says "clearing something up before heading to work".

Friday, October 2nd. Matt and Jordan were planning on Coming over for dinner and Poker night and I wrote the post that currently shows up on my livejournal. It was my mother's birthday, and just like the year before I made the mistake of thinking it was on the 3rd. So instead of Matt and Jordan coming to the apartment, I went to Stuyvesant. By the time Matt got to the apartment and back Jacob was already getting ready to leave. We got to talk for a little while before he did, and my mother got very upset and I remember the sentimental feeling of standing in the porch doorway watching him drive away with my mother and kayla, who had been acting up with phonix all night. I gave my mom a hug and I guess I was trying to make her feel better and not think about it and I helped her put Kayla to bed, throwing Toy Story in. Which was a little ironic sense I had played the movie a couple days before at Hollywood. Anyway, I gave my mom her birthday gifts and she loved them (the Elizabeth Arden fragrance, the handbag and the decorative plate that matched the kitchen signs)

The 4th through the 7th I worked. On the sixth I cleared up things with the bank. On Wednesday the 7th I sent rb a text to see if he would still hang out. He wanted me to set aside the next thursday to hangout, but I declined because I had no idea whether or not R would want to do something. it's really sad but If I had plans on a day he sporadically wanted to do something on, I knew he would get upset with me and start another silent treatment bullshit fight. The same day I confronted SE at work about Stirring up all the drama. It wasn't his fault, but he's intelligent and was trying to change things that have been consistent for quite a while-  I told him it was our job, and that we were all trying to make a living. I understand where he was coming from, but the way he went about it made the job so much more hostile and much more of a competition. The amnesty program was helping us to be competitive at the moment, but as soon as it stopped we'd all be completely fucked and to have everything changing on a week to week basis based on associate "performance" was really starting to fucking suck. We both knew that there was nothing we could do to actually be consistent, and that all we could do was try- We had no real control over what kind of customer was coming into the store and really had no real control on our numbers. SE felt like the bad guy, he wasn't- he was just changing things that nobody else wanted to change. Everyone had started coming up with bizarre ways to make the quotas and cheat. It drove everyone mad and finally SE had called for a meeting so everyone could get things off their chest. An all out war to get it all out on the table. So at nine o'clock in the morning on Sunday Oct 11th, everyone showed up, everyone except SE. Well, since then there hasn't been nearly as much drama. We got paid for 3 hours of work and I only stayed for 15 minutes while we all just sat around and SE had left a note explaining that he had already talked to norm about not being able to make it in for the meeting. So nobody could say anything, but he also couldn't run his mouth anymore. I guess there was a nice, silent compromise. 

On Thursday, Oct 8th I had Danielle over. Thursdays throughout the month seemed to become our hangout day. We took pictures and had Chinese food in the Park on Warren. We had a lot of catching up to do as usual. Jeremy called at one point and I had a chance to talk to him for a little and everything seems to be going alright on his end. 

 Dear Lucas, You can never quite make up your mind
One day you're standing there by my side
the next day you're caught in a lie
Two more days of your ill temper 
and three days of guilty silence
just one more day to tell me how everything is wrong
yet patiently, I wait for you to tell me
How much you still love me

You Joke and apologize to see me smile
lie to hear me laugh
tell me again how much you appreciate it all
do what you can to keep me around
Tell me it's my standards
and I'll tell you it's my morals

Give me just five minutes and I'll start to use my head
I'll get around to thinking
What am I waiting for?
are you ever going to change?
Oh, Dear Lucas, How did we get in so deep?
You played my hands like the cheating dealer
it's all in my head, i'm nothing but a sore loser
all the while you're cheating in more ways than one
my hand on the door, I admit you've won and I'm done.
your hands tightly wrapping around my feet and holding me down
Please don't go, please, I need you.
What can I do, How will I live my life without you?

Sob stories until one in the morning is how it all started
and so pensive is how we feel
stuck on a bridge with a fire on both ends
and you ask how I'm to live a life without you
after everything you've done for me
Dear Lucas, how did we get in so deep?
Why can't I get away?
What do I do to make all the pain go away?
I say just use your head and angrily you say i'm going to bed
I stall, listening to the words How dare you
To question what i say is to question us
And dear Lucas... What is the answer to the question...
The question being us?

Just give me five minutes away from all the debate
silently locked in another room
I'll get myself to thinking, I could try to leave
settle down somewhere by myself 
until I miss being there for someone
but it seems all the people that paint good dreams
are nothing but watercolors in the rain
we all get lonely sometimes. 
and My number will hang out on the line
and my phone will ring and I'll remember all the late night conversations
and you can continue with the stories and I'll continue to pretend like i'm actually helping..
but Lucas, dear Lucas...soon this bridge will burn
and I'm still here, standing in the middle
Dear Lucas, As the fights continue to get bigger and bigger, 
the hurt and scars get deeper and deeper 
the torment just continues to linger
Dear Lucas, the next time I'll turn and close my eyes
so next time you can finally pull the trigger

 I always kind of get like this when I haven't had time to reflect in a long time- and I'm not a huge fan. Everything becomes blurred and I don't get to really dig into everything from every side the way I'm supposed to and I think I slowly fall apart. I have some time today (wow I slept in way too much, but maybe I needed it) so after I grab something decent for breakfast, it's time for a lengthy update.

=]
just with that I feel a little better...

btw, I like the post's title and now I want to write some kind of poem using that as a subject.
anyway
:runs to get food:

 I should update... I'm kind of tierd of drama. And I'm really tierd. So I might just go to sleep.

Honestly though... what the hell is wrong with me and how does drama follow me the way it does. And I'd Ignore it, except when I ignore it it tends to build up, so calmly dealing with it still seems like the best decision- even if I'd rather just chew people out and call them out on all this bullshit. Mind your own business people, especially if you can't divide your sight into two equal parts. What the hell good are you?

I'd write about much more, but this thing apparently has more eyes on it than I need. So to my private posts on another day when I'm not so tierd.

 Slowly breaking me down
even when you're not around
before I sleep, and after I wake
there you are 
floating, conducting dynamic circles in and out of my head
after I sleep and before I wake
the immaculate beauty and the depth behind your eyes
hidden chronicles of memory and latent history 
shrouded in mystery

time means nothing
even if I had just met you yesterday
you would have had all the right words to say
Vindicate the feeling that you have known me for several years
with eyes closed you fit perfectly into place
Tell me something that makes sense
Because I'm starting to believe you're too good to be true
because my life's quickly becoming encompassed by all that is you

It seems like you're always there
waiting for me to swim out into trouble
wave after wave you're anchored into place 
hanging there with your hands and arms extended
Say you're always here, even when you're miles and miles away
After everything You do for me
After opening my eyes,
I need you
there's just one thing I want and need to say...
You're my angel, please I want you to stay.

but I never can ascend all the way up there
convinced myself you couldn't possibly care
Convinced myself you're meant to be my angel
my angel of despair.

Every time you smile you place a bruise on my heart
Every time you laugh you kick a a niche in my soul
Hold me close before you turn to leave
tears fall when I see your back, 
Malevolent wings with altruistic intentions
hug me, choke me, if only you could finish me
Lift me up and graze my lips
Spinning dynamic circles in and out of my head
Lend me your faith and keep me from dead.
Why did you save me, If you can't love me?
Why
did you save me, do you love me 
Angel why do you love me?

RS let me know the checks were in so we ran to HV then the bank to make my deposit, then to his. I drove so I got some more driving experience. We were hungry and he wanted to check out pi after I had kept talking about it all the time. Unfortunately the food isn't as great as it used to be when maria made my lunch and she wasn't even there. (sad day)  I did get to see eddy, zach and lou. Oh, how Zach's grown up to be quite the exciting little adventurer.   With his collection of 22 katanas, throwing blades, staves and secret ninja hand movements. He kept ralph and I entertained as he jumped in the bushes to show us his skills of evasion and quick wit. I kinda wanted to talk to ralph for a little while without the entertainment but it is what it is, and it was also good to see Lou. Amie was in the shower (Go figure) so I didn't see her, but I know I'll see her sooner or later anyway.

We then stopped by my house to grab my camera before heading out to Olana again (sometimes before work we head out for a peaceful breakfast, and olana was one of our destinations) This time I got to take some fantastic shots, and I'm really happy about that.



I don't have much more to say at the moment, I just thought it would be a good idea to catch up a little. I'm reading up pn photography again, and I decided I probably won't be trying to sell anything at the chatham fairgrounds or doing shoots with people there, because matt has again proved to be such a stubborn asshole. He's already telling me what to do and he has no idea what the word teamwork means. It's a competition, I know that. But we still have to get along and he has got to learn how to control his temper. Today I mentioned prime lenses, and he tried to tell me they didnt exsist and that I was a moron for being so into photography and not knowing anything about it.
When I explained what prime lenses are, he just got angry and slowly (very slowly) he changed his words along as he went, claiming that they exsist, but nobody even uses them. Then to saying if people use them, they only use them for portraits. Again, not true, but he was changing his words slowly so that he could convince himself that he wasn't wrong to begin with, as he continued to listen to me and read about them online. That's bullshit.

I tried to call the fairgrounds because he kept begging me to, saying that I needed to do something to prove i wanted to do this. I wanted him to call because he had the information about the space and he knew what to ask, but he was convinced I should call- and I could see why he wanted me to prove it- but he should have me do something else since he knew what to ask and what not. I wrote some things down and found the website, called but got an answering machine, and then called the number on the prious machine's greeting. Again, no answer and it seemed to just be some guys house so I didn't leave a message. I had questions, so I wanted to talk to someone. I'm debating calling back now with a number for them to reach me at, but matt's being such a prick I don't think it's even a good idea to pursue this, not with him anyway. Problem is, I know I need him. I don't have a car, and I couldn't do it alone. And I know he needs me, he told me he can't do it alone either. I have my own skills, and my own idea of what I want to do there. (I wanted my focus to be shooting people that actually came to us, making prints, and selling those- not just selling privious photographs) Plus, matt doesn't have a printer. I don't know. He's just so difficult and if he was just a little less moody and more understanding I'd be fine. I know I don't know everything there is to photography or even how to start a mini business thing, but I know we need to have something to stat with, and I could use some help getting there. Who knows, I think I'm going to call right now, and give my number. That way I at lease will have the option later.

hahaha I can't miss this oportunity. The ONLY reason I'm answering this is because I'm a little turned off at livejournal (just for the moment). I can admit that the twilight series is fun, and I enjoyed the movie, that's great. But I don't think that the twilight fanfare needs to move in at livejournal on top of everything else that it has flooded over. Not in writer's block box anyway... at first I was surprised, because usually I find that there are a lot of great questions in the writer's block box. To be honsest I wasn't going to post anything to complain...because that was accomplished by a ton of other users. But then I thought... How many more times will I get the chance to complain about a topic as lousy as this? And so here I am...  =]

Come on, 
I can't even answer this question because I'm not into baseball enough, but hell- I wish I could meet a group of sexy vegetarian vampires and befriend them anyway.

 The Crush

“He will make your heart race, and no matter how hard you try to distract yourself, you can’t get him off your mind. He probably doesn’t have to try to make you laugh or smile, it just happens. In fact, you desire him so much that you would be happy with simply holding his hand.”

The Foundation.

“He makes you think, he makes you question. It’s not that you feel scared, because you know you’re secure. It’s just that beside him, you see life in another light, and everything you continue to learn about this new world and about yourself, begs you to dig deeper.”

True Love

“After laying the foundation, be intuitive and honest so you can pursue the partnership everybody wants and you can share the most sought after human emotion. In order to achieve this, you must first love yourself, and be content with the person you’ve grown to be. If you can reach this point, allow for time and trust to foster. Soon you won’t find yourself looking over the edge, and you won’t have to worry about making the jump into true love because by now- you are already swimming in it.”

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is boltedhourglass@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat!

 
Well, I'm not really suffering from writer's block because I always have something to write about, but when I saw this topic opportunity I had to Jump in.

If anyone's reading this entry and they still happen to be parading through teenage bliss and adolescence, then hopefully you can prevent some of the mistakes I have made.

No matter how fucked up life seems, or how mad you are at the world, don't let it get you down. If you're lonely, go out there and get to know someone else. Seriously, most people that are worth getting to know are not going to simply turn you down and act like an asshole. If you  consistantly try to do the right thing, and be accepting, you will find friends everywhere you go- even if it's hard at first. There's always someone out there to get to know, no matter how much you have in common, no matter how much you lack things in common. It makes for an interesting life and endless memories and satisfation. 

Don't take crap from anyone when you know you don't deserve it. If you plan on voicing an opinion against someone giving you a hard time, just make sure you have a good point to back everything up and have good reason- it will usually solve the problem if you go about it with a level head.

When you screw up with your family, with is enivitable with every child-parent relationship, try to remember that this will be one of the most important relationships you will hold throughout your life, no matter how unfair things seem. They are your parents, and even though they will give you more shit than what is necessary, keep them close and never completely shove them out, or it will haunt you or your conscious at somepoint down the line. No matter how much you can justify it, family has the true potential to last forever.

In relationships, be true to yourself and your partner. They can't read minds, and neither can you. The most important thing is communication and honestly. You can work out every other facet using a little bit of effort and compromising where it is nesessary, and being upfront where it counts.

I managed to mess up a lot down the line, at different points in time. The above are simply lessons I learned the hard way. I'll finish this up quickly by saying that I don't really regret much in my life, even some of the things I'm not proud of. I just happen to be a big fan of the learning process, and the path to becoming a person to be proud of, finally being content with who I am, and simply knowing who I want to be. I know I have much more to go, but remembering the past and embracing the future is the best way to go, day by day, choice by choice. lesson by lesson.

 I have so much I want to say, so much to write. If life is complicated on average, right now it' seems so fucking out of control I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I'm not really freaking out or anything, and until now I've been acting pretty chill about it like I have a head on my shoulders..., because I don't have time to freak out really. But when I seriously give myself a few seconds to think about everything going on- and the time that's passing by while I'm too preoccupied with trying not to worry....
I always want to be doing something. I never want to waste time. I'm always doing something, and I therefore I'm always asking myself to slow down...
I need my space, I need my friends, but I need my ways detoxing through writing poetry and taking pictures. I need practice pratice practice. I need to work at getting a car, but I want to spend time having fun with the people I care about, and that takes away the money and the time I need to focus on getting a car. I seriously must have an addiction to facebook, since I have to check it usually at least once a day and I feel the need to respond to everyone that sends me something. But it all takes time, and I even left staples. So hy does it feel like I'm still going nowhere........
.....
getting home long after everyone is sleeping kinda sucks. makes me feel like the only time of day I'm awake is late nights and it's a bad habit because more often than not I have to be up by 8 for work anyway, but I force myself to listen to music/write/edit/talk on aim. I can't keep disappearing on my friends- I know it's a real jackass thing to do, yet I disappear from time to time, sometings for weeks at a time.. I think the only people that get my constant attention these days are R, Josh, and whoever happens to text me. I love having my hours all in the beginning of the week... gives me the weekend. I did get to see kat two weekends ago, and adam last week i think. 

weekend comes around and what do I do? Spend a day catching up cleaning my room from the past two weeks I made a mess of it and didnt have time to pick it up. mowing the lawn. I spent time with dani and met joanna and took amazing pictures. But that required a lot of time editing and preparing the pictures for printing/facebook. I started a photojournal, using the old book augie bought me in the gulf last year. I found it while I was cleaning out the closet so i guess that was good for something. I worked out a little, but what the hell good does it do me when I just end up destroying any improvements by eating all the junk that surrounds hollywood.

Maybe if I finally get my own place, after the car. this is getting old, and I can't believe I'm still telling myself this. Like it EVER goes anywhere. I probably need to get myself on track I just don't know how to go about it. I need some disapline or something (not that that worked either...) Which reminds me,
Rent went up last week and I found myself suddenly in debt to my dad by 75$ when I thought I was ahead of the game by saving and putting 200 to the side weeks before. What the fuck. I'm never home, and I dont really eat anything. Why should rent go up.. I know this was all planned so long ago now that I should have seen it coming. But i never make any progress. July is SUCKING. I've had some really good times with josh, but looking back on them- what am I doing. I seriously.can't.afford.being.a.god.damn.boyfriend. it's mostly 50/50 but it doesnt matter when it's dinner one night, breakfast the next, dinner the next night followed by icecream, a rental car, clothes at the mall. I wouldnt do any of that If I didn't have an interest. :slams head into the table: <--well not really, but I thought about it. I almost hate the fact that josh is so damn good to me, and such a nice guy. I can't let go of something like that.  And of course, Matt's birthay is coming up, and so is ralphs the day before ours. I caught up with adam at four brothers last week or the week before, and that's money there too. But I needed to do that, it's been ages since I've seen him, and we have to eat. I never buy groceries or eat at home, but honestly never worry too much about it at work because R always has my back. how the hell am I ever going to repay him. Not that he would ever accept anything like that, he's giving me a hard time abotu getting him birthday gifts. (which he's going to love by the way) Oh I also have a project Idea, but I need to get to a printer/ print center. If I didn't ditch staples I probably would have just gone over there. (by the way, jeffrey demoted himself to CPC specialist, so I didn't feel as bad about leaving)

this is a jambled mess.. so it's not going to make sense, I'm not even writinging really, just typing out my scrambled thoughts. I can always read it later and I'll know what all the references mean.

I'm gonna have to got to bed. I got home at around 11:30, had to take a shower, made some dinner, check my mail (I wanted to see what people thought about joanna's pictures) and I had to update this a little. I'm supposed to be downloading A CD that R let me borrow. damnit (i'm doing it now) I love music, and I should be listening to it now.

(last night I spent a good 20 minutes cleaning the kitchen because of a stampede of ants have arrived to take over, and I wasn't having it) I have having to kill anything, but I kept trying to justify it as my effing kitchen the ants and I can't share., it just feels gross killing them, especially because there's so many of them. ) I also cleaned the room up a bit, and built one of R's b-day gifts. Then I finished editing, and because of aim and trying to multitask, I didn't get to bed until 4:30a.m. and I had to get up at 8. speaking of b-day gifts...I can't believe I'm going to be 20. 20. 
I never wanted to reach 20 so this this is fucking bullshit. To be successful you have to start young.. and I'm nowhere. And. I wont be for a while. I was supposed to have so much more done... not just school wise, but I was supposed to have books written. I wanted to have one published by 18.. not that I was ever the best student. Again I'm torn. if I hadn't been so stupid when I was a teenager then I would probably have done okay in school, at least well enough so m parents would support me going to college and getting myself situated. they would have taught me how to drive, and I'd probably be in college. I'm not a partier, so I'd have weekends to focus on my work and I wouldnt be in 40 hour workweeks being forced away from things I care about. School would force me to write and learn and I could just focus more on the topics I care most about. I keep thinking about teaching myself things, just like setting up my own agenda for learning on a daily basis, but what sense does that make when I barely make it now lol. I have to give up something, I just dont know what to give up. Even I if I completely did away with facebook, that wouldnt save me that much time, and I would beat myself up for not keeping in touch with people, or at least keeping one last window open for people to communicate with me through. Writing is something I need to keep up on or I feel like shit and unaccomplished. Photography is my desire. I can't give up friends, I dropped staples. And the window that gave me.. is being filled up with time spent with josh.
...
ugh. there's a lot to catch up with, just on the topic of him. too much for this entry, and too much private information to be in a semi-public journal. 
still. All I can say is I'm torn. 

 Crossing lines is everything but simple
a line is just a place with two spaces in between
the spaces being you and I
everything else is hidden beneath the sad truth and the lies
No don't break yourself down
the Lessons you've taught me against self loathing 
is something I wish I could teach you

No you're not pathetic
Feelings are simply feelings
simply a description of the abstract we can't define
go with your heart and you'll read the message between the lines
use your best discretion and don't be afraid to trust
I'm sorry I can't help you further but some faith is a must

I try to play it off
but I know what you've been thinking
I'm too proud to admit to anything
but maybe deep down there's something
Don't shoot yourself down 
We all have our life to live so let's keep living
I'll be there for you, and you just continue doing what you do

No you're not pathetic
I see something much higher than your low self infliction 
people might not see it if you hide behind your lesser imagination
you pencil the picture in with your own self image,
and if you could see your beauty in your own unique way
then you'd have that much more to see
that you'll be okay
take care of yourself and you'll be okay

You wrench the hook on my heart everytime I rip, tear myself down
Pointing out the mistakes and the broken remains of everything I touch
because everytime I mention such things you stop me before I land on the floor
Nobody deserves to feel like that 
don't you dare think like that
and you say, live out life and you'll be okay
And if you could see the beauty in your own unique way
you can take care of yourself and you'll be okay
You'll be okay

-----------------------------------------------------------

it's so crazy seeing how these come out. I start with a small idea or trigger, and it just transorms.

 
I'm on my lunch at staples. I haven't had time to update this recently and I already ate a lunch on a fifteen minute break earlier, so why not not update now? I have my Itunes on and I'm listening to my new Bjork "selma songs" soundtrack album from 'Dancer in the Dark'- which still hasn't gotten old yet. (I play the soundtrack quite a bit)

Since I am limited on time, here's what I want to cover.

I left off with Liam and hanging out w/ Joh.

Work week went fine. It was a stressful week at Hollywood because there was a lot more work than usual to prepare for the regional manager's visit. Things have since then calmed down quite a bit. Staples sucks just because of the Back to school season. I don't even need to go into detail to explain why, never ending shipments of frieght and over-the-top store changes should suffice.
Thursday included moving thousands of pounds worth of furniture and trying to restock all the overhead binders on the wall. 

It's hard to get back into the staples routine when I'm only here 2 times a week. I can handle it, but to be honest it's not worth all the stress. I stress more about this lowly paid lame ass job than I do over a management position at Hollywood... so I think I'm going to put in my two weeks notice. I would wait until I had a differnt replacement job or something, but the money made here actually doesnt go anywhere, except to transportation- and since most of the time I pay more to get to staples than hollywood, the job pays for itself and that's lame. It's not even like there are benefits to working at staples. The only thing holding me back is having thursday off would make my parents question, and even though it makes no sense to stay here, they wouldn't understand that, they would just see it as me being lazy. hah, I wish I could see either one of them working here, they're both past the days of working their ass off in a retail setting I think. 

Anyway, I also went on a couple dates with Josh. He's the one that asked me to the DMB concert a couple weeks ago. They went really well, but I'm definately taking my time with this one. Everytime I think somethings going really well it crashes so it's better to be cautious. I will have a lot more to say about this soon. A Qupdate is a Quick update for a reason, and I'm out of time on this lunch break anyway/. 

I did want to mention Betina's grad party and albany though. 

 

This week has been going by quickly, but it's been really a pain for a few reasons, and I'll get back to that later.

 Today was an amazing day... I slept in a little bit, relaxed, played music really loudly because nobody was home. I finished my Art OMI editing and even talked to RS for about 20 minutes on the phone. Andrea stopped home after work and of course we got caught up in deep conversation as always. We talked about her old high school days..  and some of the terrible things that happened to her. She really is so strong... and I can't believe everything that she's gone through. She did choose the hardest route, but I you can't say she didnt put up the best fight for what she believes is right. It got a little emotional towards the end and we were disagreeing about some things because once again I found myself disappointed that she never ever wanted to share any of the information with anyone because it was too embarrassing. I probably know more about andrea than I should, but It really hurts me to know that she's so embarased about the way she was treated growing up that she couldn't ever confide in a single soul... not even her husband. To make matters worse Hed 1st started playing from my room at the time and having her ex husband's music going off in the background while we talked about emotional stuff wasn't helping. I'm not sure why I got so annoyed... I think I was annoyed anyway. I had to go into my room to shut the music off, and even after that I didn't go back out into the hall to continue talking. I really have to work on accepting the fact that some people just never want to talk about heir past or their feelings. If I had just stopped to think for a moment though, I would have realized that andrea has confided in somebody... me. It just upsets me.. Everything that's happened to her. And she couldn't tell the closest person in her life. It just hurts.. and I know have absolutely nothing to do with it. But I can feel it, and it hurts. Okay so maybe that part of the day wasn't grand, but I always do enjoy talking with Andrea. And today we covered some ground about the juggalos and the old school culture as well. I never did quite understand the Juggalo cult, but now I see it in a different light. I never would have guessed that they stood for something positive (or relatively so anyway), since a majority of the lyrics are downright derogratory.. but behind all the violence and the derogratory terms in the lyrics, there's an underlying theme of accepting people for who they are, and understanding the true wrongs of society. This theme however, is hidden under what a majority of the population would consider wrong without much thought- such as referring to having sex or "fucking bitches." Using language in such a way is pretty vulgar, and talking about women in such a way is derogritory, but at the same time, the violent lyrics found in the music often talks about bringing pain to people who are unaccepting of others, such as racists, or homophobes. They sing against abusive husbands, petaphiles, and some of the worst things found in human behavior. People that hail the music, tend to be part of a cult culture that simply understands some basic principles about other members of the community. Just by being associated with ICP means that you respect culture, homosexuals, and that you do not tolerate abuse to children or wives, or inhumane morrals. It's a far stretch I think, because songs refer to killing these people, but I still think it's neat. Apparently the true ICP culture has died since they became popular for kids who just wanted to seem cool and agressive, and a lot of the original ICP values aren't seen in the modern day followers. That was my small pop culture history lesson of the day.

But really the best part of the day was spending time with Jo. Llike I predicted, having someone as interested in photography as I am to hang out with is really just something else. We had a deep connection right from the get go- and on top of that, Jo has proved to be one of the nicest, down to eath people people I know. It's so obvious too, that he's genuine from the inside out. That's really saying something because I know a LOT of people and I can't always say that about them.

We took turns taking pictures, and sharing images back and forth, sometimes commenting or pointing out something that could benefit the other. Seriously, he taught me a lot about some of the technical stuff, such as flash lighting and neat little tricks that are simple, yet add a great deal of perspective detail to pictures. He uses a Canon Camera, and uses it with Nikon manual lenses... Which I have never seen before. There are limitations to swaping out lenses, such as the loss of autofocus, but we both agreed that sometimes the challenges make for a great learning experience, and to top it off we both started out with just piece of crap point and shoot digtal cameras... so we learned step by step, slowly learning to make due with what we had, and go on from there.

Apart from interest in photography, we also had an insane amount in common simply in the way we think, so we just clicked. I've really had a great deal of luck with life lately and I'm not sure why... but I'm really thankful. I'm also really thankful for getting to meet someone like Jo, because I already know were going to be good friends. We're already planning on taking a trip to the city together and we're somewhat like photography buddies.. haha.

Unfortunatly Amie didn't really make the plans concrete, and earlier she said to text her so she could figure out if she could go out for dinner or not. Because that meant the plans were indefinate, I didnt want to rush with Jo to try and hangout with amie and have it fall through. I was having such a good time with Jo that I didn't leave until late. I had dinner with him and his folks, which also was pretty interesting. Conversation flowed pretty freely most of the time, and we had a lot to talk about. Because they live on a farm they have a lifestlye I know close to nothing about. The parents also run a business themselves.. which led to more conversation about businesses and in a weird way to Jo's addiction to milk. The milk convo seems significant to me because it got us started about raw foods and diet haha.

I learned that they sell vegetables to "members" which means that in order to buy from them you have to have a membership at their farm. It seems that this is a great way to ensure good business because it keeps the customers coming back and adds a competitive facet within the customers themselves, making it important to be a member and pay ahead of time to ensure getting the product. 
I also talked about staples and Hollywood, not that anything like that is remotely exciting for me, but for them it was something new. Working in a corporate company is something they wouldn't want to put up with, but they had a lot of questins and I mean they were actually really into it. We got pretty in depth about how a coorporation gets everything to run smoothly, Mostly at the expense of the workers. It jumped from there to psychology and management.. and from there to parents and childhood.

The rest of the night Jo and I looked through the pictures, and I shared editing techniques on my laptop. It's really neat adding another person's perspective and learning with someone that's also very ambitious. I love it.  Anyway we talked for another hour or so, played a game on my computer and everntually I came back home around 11.

I think some of the photo's came out great.. I'll post some of them here on a separate entry.

Someone asked If I was one of the Good Knights.. He found the self help website on facebook (To make a Difference) I had made way back. To be honest, I had never heard of the Good Knights before he brought them up. I was kind of flattered in a way- even though it was weird... if he thought I could be tied to something as big as that, then well.. you get the Idea. 
I told him I had absolutly no clue- and asked him more about it since I thought it was interesting. He provided some links and told me it was odd because recently a friend of his had just told him about the society and personally, he was asked to become a member as well- but due to religious complications he turned his friend down. But he did forward information to me and I have to say I'm not 100 percent sure he isn't actually tied to the society himself.
I'm just thinking- Why would he know so much or try to recruit anyone? He mentioned something about a friend being involved and asking him- But my guess is maybe he uses that as a defense to anyone that could be offened (due to religious standpoints). I guess it doesn't really matter...I know I can't be a member if it has anything to do with the Illuminati or any sort of strict religion. I have my own thing going on and it works for me. For my own reference- here are some links provided (since I had trouble finding information on my own).
There's a bit too much to the entire thing. And chances are there's commitment-
"Personally, I do believe in some of the principles that they defend, but as I told you above, to me some practices they hold do not seem morally right.
The idea of a society of young men united all of the world under the principles of the old chivalry sounds seducing, even if it was just a branch of the original society of the good knights."
Practices that don't seem morally right- for a society that calls themselves the Good Knights... sounds a bit complicated, or maybe even conflicting there. Unless it has to do with self sacrifice- which I'm pretty sure it does. 
 I think the simple "make a difference" on a personal level, works well enough for me.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlantis

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knight

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knights_of_the_Round_Table

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knights_Templar

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illuminati

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Cross
 
I guess they all have some obvious things in common.. apparently the good Knights are still around, I think it's rather fascinating. 

Standing there in your eye's reflection is a simple guy
staring at you before the late afternoon sky
I see a relieved smile spead across your face
as the blue horizon winds down without a trace
I said if you find yourself at the edge 
I'll meet you there, don't dispair
The hardest parts in this life 
were the moments without you there
I move closer to you as the sky is painted, tainted red
before all the stars begin to rain down upon us
Grab my hand before the world beings to fall down around us
the world is falling, down

In the streets people scream as life falls apart
you and I seemed to know about it all from the start
upon their knees, they watch as the fields begin to burn 
you hear the shot from the heat of the war's guns as each side takes a turn
But stand here with me, and it all goes away
with those words, you've forced me to stay
Stand here with me and the world could fall to the ground
hold my hand, and spare yourself the sound
when the waters flood the coasts and everybody drowns
hold my hand and we'll still be together
maybe this is what happens when you believe in forever
Even if the world is falling down down down
you and I will have each other for the last and final round
The world is falling down

Your eyes meet mine as the ground begins to shake
storms overhead,
voices raising up yelling please, please
All of the world in constant motion 
Until my heart skips a beat and your gaze freezes time
Everything's hidden in my secret rhyme 
the world's falling down and You're convinced I'm here to save you
Again and again I've told you I can't save you
but your faith gives me more stregnth than the rain that's pouring down
spin the world, spin the world around
With what light is left in the sky, I find your lips
and quietly I say something only you can hear
Just to confirm the feelings you hold so dear
You've made me a hero and the world's falling down
But because you love me we might not wither with this town
you've saved my life a thousand times
and we won't be going down

I walk you back to the edge so you can clearly see
The beauty of disasters as they find me
There's not much I can do to stop the raging flood
there's nothing I can do to stop the endless spilt blood
Watching the water as it moves in from the coast
And all you have to say, is how with me you can't even feel the pain-
just admire the stars as they fall in the rain
Beneath the water running beneath your eyes
is a heart smarter than any government lies
the thunder roars and the lightning is blind
the future is here right on que, 
and I can't even do a thing to save you
but when we try to fight through this together
we can look back on it and admire what we had for each other
I've saved you a seat beside me for when the world falls down
All you have to do is hold my hand when the stars come down
Watch the water hit us and we soon we'll drown
while the quakes and storms with supersonic sound 
continue to break the rest of the world down 

 So, a couple things.

Prom- Kicked ass. I was extremely frustrated that morning because 1.) I had to babysit nephew Phoenix and sister Kayla, and neither one of them are very cordinated and kayla is exteremy hyper and braindead. Phoenix has an excuse because he's only two- but kayla... oh my god-she's nuts. Andrea was running pretty late and I kept worying about getting everything done for the prom in time and I felt kinda helpless, as usual. I was having trouple ordering flowers and getting into hudson to pick up my suit. But somehow it worked out and everything went according to plan (With a little help from my sister- I paid her to pick up my suit and I stayed home and watched Kayla again). I wouldn't have worried about it so much, except that I was doing this as a favor for Betina, and I really didn't want to let her or my date down, especially because Betina thinks highly of me and trusted me to do this right.

Raisa is a really sweet girl. This was my first time officially meeting her, because Betina actually asked me due to the fact that Raisa's last date ditched. (Lame) We really hit it off though and we clicked even better than betina probably even guessed. We had some cool things in common like writing in journals, and looking back through them for memories, and just the way we think alike and view other people as a whole caught me by surprise. The little things matter to her and she has a head on her shoulders. She laughed a lot and was just so down to earth and friendly- being her date was actually rewarding. I might be going into a lot of detail about her, but when I really meet sombody that  lifts my spirts, I feel it's necessary. I made sure that I did everything the guy's supposed to do (such as holding doors open, getting her drinks, ect.) And of course dancing. All my dancing with kat through the years has really added a spin to any kind of formal/fun dance because it's easy to each the basics. (And even if I don't really dance like a pro, it's a hell of a good time anyway)

And even though that's something I do occasionally anyway, I ended up really getting into the details and we busted on Betaina's date brandon until we had a little bit of a fun competition going on. Needless to say the girls were happy and it was fun seeing betina's mom again ( I hadn't seen her since thanksgiving dinner). Tons of pictures ensued, (come on- I had prom as an excuse) so I'll be posting a few up here. Another neat thing about meeting Raisa is the fact that she's a foriegn exchange student, so i got to learn a little more about that process, and . She moved to the US on day after I moved back to Stuyvesant. We thought that was kinda neat. Apparently, she stays in the US for about a year, and then she is bound by some sort of contract or something to go back to Aisruebzon (or however you spell it. pronounced: Azure-bye-jaughn) and bring and share what she's leaned about our culture back home.

So apart from that, I edited photos after I got home until 4 in the morning. It's really weird how addicting it is, and it's not exactly fun, you just can't stop halfway through... Matt and I were just talking about that.

Jeffrey called me this morning, apparently he had me on the schedule. I specifically said I wanted saturdays off, and so when I answered really confused, and tierd as all hell, he brought up how I said he could put me on saturdays if he really needed me to.
But here's my issue. I meant what I said, but I think he should have at least ran it by me before putting me on. My schedule is fixed now so there's no point in me checking it anymore. Even so, I did check last week because jeremy said he saw me on for a saturday, and it freaked me out. I didn't see me on there- just Renee, the slot on the chart right above me. So I figured easy mistake. But then here we are and I get this call asking if I knew I was supposed to be in today... He let me off the hook, but what the hell. (this weekend was also the only weekend I REQUESTED off specifically in writing, so I know I can't be at fault here)

On another note, I recived a message from Lucas today. Oh, it was a surprise and I almost died of a heart attack. Here it is, might as well have a copy online as well,

 * * * 

Peter: 

I hate to do this to you, since I don't know what place in life you are at right now, and I really don't want to cause any problems, or make anything complicated, but rest assured, I'm not going to talk romantically are anything of that nature... I just want to say sorry. 

I want to say sorry for being an unstable idiot who kicked you when you were down. I'm sorry for being abusive, angry, absurd, and an idiot for not paying more attention to you. I'm also sorry that I told you that I never loved you and that it was mere infatuation. 

I think for a brief moment we did and then it fizzled out after we got too far into something we couldn't really back out of. Everyone warned us and we never took the right steps to correct what was inevitably wrong. 

I needed to grow up and you needed someone there to be for you when you were hundreds of miles away from everyone you knew. I was an idiot - a selfish idiot - that really destroyed the person inside of you for some bizarre reason. 

I had just gotten out of a long relationship with someone abusive and my natural instincts to fight back were on the high. I was also highly stressed out from work, as you know, but none of that even begins to excuse me from my behavior.

Again, I'm sorry for what happened and I hope that somehow you can forgive me. I'm not asking for it for my own clarity or self-acknowledgment, I'm saying it because it needed to be said. 

I'm sorry.

Lucas.

 * * *

It was kind of nice, unexpected- But nice. I had forgiven him deep down almost a year ago... It was really hard, but to be honest, as soon as I stopped being angry with the situation, I felt more at peace. And I wasn't as scared anymore. I used to have really bad dreams on a regular basis reguarding Lucas, but once I finally allowed myself to understand maybe where he was coming from, and seeing everything, the whole picture- I stopped having those nightmares. He's human, I'm human. it takes two to tango, even if this situation isn't really justifiable in that sense. I know that if he had control over himself he wouldn't have done it. So it's not worth making it worse than it has to be.

I sent him back a message- basically explaining that it's okay. And if he's improving and healing, then I definately accept the apology and on top of that I knew there was a lot more going on than just problems between us. It was complicated, and even though it hurt a lot, I had a lot of growing up to do as well.

 

Just wonder to yourself
if you could have done more
because you can't turn back now
don't turn back now
there's nothing left to say 
when there's two broken hearts
the perfect intentions for the perfect world 
just fell into a thousand separate parts

It's a sad world when you fail to embrace it
There's no happy endings
for the people like us that fail to make it
you can accept the truth 
or you can fake it
maybe the plans we had for this life where the ideal
but the things we continue to wish for might not be real
sometimes we throw ourselves in intense situations 
just for that possibility, that small chance to feel 
but what are the chances that the feeling might not be real?
Every once in a while I see a flash from upon the bedroom floor
Every time I toss and I turn I wish for something more...

It's such a rush that at times I can't see a thing and
There's something creeping from the endless depths in the back of my head
a restless voice screaming for me to raise up from the foot of my bed
So please, Please, I'm begging you to wake me from this sleep
I''m sinking here in something much to deep
I think I fear the worst and all the sudden it's standing before my eyes
nothing can save me from this Nightmare in disguise
Please, won't you wake me from this sleep
I need you to wake me from this sleep

dreaming about a fairy-tale ending is best left to the writers and the poets
dreaming about the perfect world is a life best left for the people that don't know it 
start with a larger picture
trim out the face to fit the frame
maybe if you and I wake up now
we can lay out the road to never never land
Jump aboard the ship that sails through the sand
because life like this has never felt so unreal
Nightmare's like this have started to feel so real

It's such a rush that at times I can't see a thing
There's something creeping from the endless depths in the back of my head
a restless voice screaming for me to raise up from the foot of my bed
So please, Please, I'm begging you to wake me from this sleep
I''m sinking here in something much to deep
I think I fear the worst and all the sudden it's standing before my eyes
nothing can save me from this Nightmare in disguise
Please, won't you wake me from this sleep
I need you to wake me from this sleep

It's such a rush that at times I can't see a thing
There's something creeping from the endless depths in the back of my head
It's a mix of promises and memories of the things you said
and now I only see the world from the foot of my bed
Please I'm begging you to wake me from this sleep
dreaming about a fairy-tale ending is best left to the writers and the poets
please, dreaming is for the dreamers that pretend not to show it
please won't you wake me from this sleep
I need you to wake me from this sleep